Ginko Biloba

I had THE most amazing voicemail on my work answering machine the other day. A woman from a school office telephoned to book theatre tickets and was obviously chatting and didn't hear the voicemail kick in so continued her conversation on my machine.



This is an ACTUAL transcript of the conversation that occured.



Woman 1) Doesn’t have to be for life does it?

Woman 2 ) I think I am also just thinking, which I think, I think brides do don’t they they always think about people in the past

Woman 1 ) Yep yep

Woman 2 ) So I think you know, in some respects people like James, hah, I could talk to him for hours I just don’t, well Will and I don’t talk for hours, never have done really.

Woman 1) But you didn’t want to Fuck Will, um James,

Woman 2) No that’s so true.

Woman 1) But you do want to Fuck Will?

Woman 2) Well I am not really up for sex, I am not bothered by it.

Woman 1) Aren’t you?

Woman 2) No, I completely lost my sex drive.

Woman 1) I’m gagging for it.

Woman 2) Just completely

Woman 1) Wonder why?

Woman 2) I don’t know.

Woman 1) Try taking Ginko Biloba. Gets your circulationm stimulates your bits

Woman 2) Lovely

Woman 1) Its really good for your heart and because it stimulates your circulation it makes your bits tingle.

Woman 2) Maybe that’s what I need to do.

Woman 1) I wonder why that is?

Woman 2) I Don’t know.


At which point there is a sharp intake of breath and the call ended.

She hasn't called back yet!

Shocking Behaviour.

I seem to have picked up a boyfriend from somewhere. I thought I was careful, I mean I took all the precautions and I swear I didn’t even drink that much. Still it happened, it just goes to show that there is no such thing as Emotiception and now too much time has gone by for me to take the morning after pill and I suppose I should just have to come to terms with the fact that he is going to be around for a while.

He IS utterly addictive though. 23yrs old, ex-bouncer, charming smile, shoulders you can throw a cow over (or me, same thing really), a body to die for and with the much appreciated ability to take the piss out of me whilst also accepting a tirade of sarcasm from myself. I could hardly say no now could I? Oh he also cooks. Mmmm food. So I put a sofa in my huge room, bought a big HD tv and barely left it for the past 2 weeks, with the odd gust of cold air as I sent him off to cook for me or I went for more wine. I know, it is disgusting isn’t it?

Talking of disgusting, MY godness the young are VIRILE! I have had to wash my curtains and I don’t usually do that until spring! I have also showered more in the past weekend than I usually do in a week. Being hairy has certain, um, disadvantages when it comes to particular bodily fluids and I can hardly call myself wipe-clean these days…

Oooh Christmas is coming up as well isn’t it? I know it is because X-Factor is over and this is the next big thing in the gay calendar… I shall be spending it alone again this year with various drop ins by friends and am thoroughly looking forward to it all. I am running low on baileys though so a trip to the local cash and carry may be in order. You all know I cant bear to eat my breakfast cereals without it!

Nervous Breakdance.

Phew, well again, what a long time since I last posted. I promise I have a good excuse though lovelies. As you might have been able to tell things were not going too well at the time of my last blog post and it ended up with me having a bit of a nervous breakdown (Sorry, my therapist says I need to call it a breakthrough). But you know what? It was probably one of the best things to have happened to me. It was like a big mental boil full of puss and poison that has now popped, spewing its vileness everywhere and has now healed leaving a little sexy scar on my psyche.

Um, I think I enjoyed that analogy WAY too much. Anywho the therapy was great, even though I always thought that kind of thing was nonsense before, it has helped me out with so many issues that I never knew I had and just thought were charming personality quirks. For instance I never knew it wasn't normal to make one night stands sleep on the couch. Also, apparently most people like to cuddle after sex? I always thought nature encouraged the grab your clothes and dress on the way to the door reflex, I thought it wa GENETIC dammit!

But yes, I feel a lot better now and more positive and motivated. So expect a few more blog posts, just after I finish this mojhito...

Table Manners

Oh dear. Jenny The Bloggess has shamed me into posting by mentioning me in this entry on Good Mom/Bad Mom. I know I am useless but it has been a rough few months, a cousin was murdered and a dear friend has been in hospital with a life threatening illness and now I am on Jury Service.

Luckily I have learnt many things from these incidents. Mainly that Policemen, Doctors and Criminals are cuter than you think and that no matter how low life can get, nothing will distract me from my woes like a handsome guy. Or just a guy really. Or a butch Lesbian, they can be cute too for those first few moments before you realise that they are a lady. Even then, you know, sometimes, if it was dark and I had had a few appletini's. Who would know? Oh, you guys now apparently. SHHH! KEEP IT SECRET!

Anywho. Jenny would invite me to a fantasy dinner party huh? Here is a picture of me to give you an example of my table manners...



Things haven't improved much since then. Jenny, bless you dear I would be there like a shot. I make a mean Potato Salad and I promise not to touch anyone's husband unless I have written consent. Also, I will not make snarky comments on peoples dress sense (unless it is as a cutting aside that only you can hear) AND I have learnt now that adding absinthe to the punch isn't suitable for everybodys constitution. Also I get on great with kids, I know ALL the words to High School Musical and Enchanted. Um, that isn't something to be proud of is it? I can teach your little one how to vogue? I could bring traditional english food like Spotted Dick, Faggots in Gravy and Toad-In-The-Hole!!

Hello? Jenny? Why is your door locked and all your lights off? I can hear you in there? JENNNYYYY????

Boy for hire...

My good friend Lady B works for a recruitment consultant or some such in the city and was telling me that a large part of her job is re-writing other peoples resume’s to make them more appealing to employers. She offered to take a look at what I do in an average day* and turn it into a sure fire job attracting sound bite for my CV.

This is what we came up with…

Get to work late - Flexible

Check personal and work emails- Diligent/organised

Insult my boss - Good working relationships

Take a phone call, wrong number, call a friend for 20 mins to talk about last nights TV and bitch about other friends - management of incoming and outgoing correspondence.

Eat a banana, it’s not enough, get up and get a chocolate bar from the machine - proactive

Flirt with the French intern - good at building relationships

Play on the internet, check blogs, buy stuff online, sign into messenger - technologically minded - used to dealing with packages such as Word, Excel, Powerpoint and internal company systems.

LUNCH - conscientious

Check personal and work emails again. Ignore work emails. - good eye for details

Boss insults me. - able to deal with sensitive situations and information.

Eat a pear, spill juice on my shirt. Sneak out and buy a new t-shirt to wear out that evening. - good problem solving skills

Wander down the corridor to chat to my mates. - used to managing people
and third party relationships

Look at shirtless boys on the internet - good at researching and honing
skills

Have a cup of tea - good at monitoring service standards

Sneak home early.... - excellent time management skills

I would SO hire me!

* I would like to point out that I DO actually do work and enjoy my job (Hello IT, I am on a break now I promise!)

Breasts and Lengths

I went swimming today friends! Yes indeed. This may not sound particularly special until you consider the fact that I have not stroked the breast since I was a teenager in more ways that one. Thats fifteen years ago since I was last in a public pool apart from a brief splash in Malaysia with an Australian footballer, but that time I was far more interested in a different type of length. *Ahem*

Speaking of Length, I actually managed one. A full length of the pool is something I could only ever dream of at school and I was still struggling to manage a width while all the other students were diving in the deep end fully clothed practicing rescue swimming. Bur now, NOW I can do it, yes my biceps hurt like blazes, but in a nice way. It was nice to achieve something in an exercise situation and makes me feel more positive about my gym orientation tomorrow.

I did have a brief moment of panic in the public locker room. Not so much the fact that there were 20 or so winkies flopping around near me (after all that is normal for a monday) but more the fact that I forgot that I have a fetching pink triangle tattooed on my buttock, a reminder of my arty days as a student. It practically says "I'm staring at your manhood" to anyone that notices it. I AM, but that is beside the point, I don't want anyone to assume. Ah well, who cares, maybe it will save the inevitable wondering about people sexuality as the gay ones will give me that knowing look and the straight ones will run away. Ah well, maybe this fitness thing will help me catch them!

I know I promised a love life update, but this was better for now. Sooon my pretties, soon...

Down with FAGS!

Darlings! I am currently undergoing something of a reboot at the moment which I thought I would fill you in on. Not in an electronic sense but a physical one. After a worrying check up at the doctors I have been put on a diet and fitness regime to help sort out my heart and liver which are, to use the technical term, a bit fucked. No, I haven't been caning it or doing a Claire from Steps....

This is purely down to a damn finicky genetic thing (and OK a love of cake). SO anywho, I have shifted a stone so far, quit the fags for good, stopped drinking for a month and next week I shall join the gym.

I promise this is not going to turn into one of those tedious diet blogs, but I WILL fill you in on what goes on in the gym changing rooms and try and take pictures of fit city gents changing. I still have some vices after all.....

Anyway, I didn't want to mention anything on here in case it all went to pot but as I am a fair way into it now and showing no signs of cracking I thought I would tell you at last.

Oh and for my non brit readers Fags = cigarettes, I could never give up my gay man habit...

Next update: Love life....

STOP THE PRESSES!!!!!

How in the hell did they manage to release Bring it on 4 without me noticing? I should have had letter, a personal visit from the stars or at the very least a phone call from the director?!? It even has Sharpay from High School Musical in it! Can life GET any better?

I truly have descended into the very depths of gayness haven't I? There is no hope whatsoever for me now.

Remember Mekons?

Oh I know showing baby photos is ever so twee but I had a trip down memory lane when I went to my parents for New Year. Well, to be honest it was spend my time in the attic looking through old boxes or spend time with them taking about funerals and hip replacements. Memory lane it was then.

I know this may not be the photo of me in uniform that some of you pervs were hoping for (At least I hope not) but I think it has a certain charm to it. But that is me in official British Army baby clothes on a base in Germany in the 70's . Not that the decade isn't obvious from the curtains or bib of course!

However the curtains and bib are FAR less embarrassing than the photo below which shows one of my many hair styling mistakes, this one from the mid nineties...

Yes indeed that is BIG hair there ladies and gentlemen! It is a shame I have no photographs from the days I sported a side spike. I do feel the need to point out that the wallpaper behind me in it's many and varied styles is not in my parents house but at a wedding reception. The stuff on my parents walls is MUCH worse....

Oh my, I have been awful haven't I! 6 whole months? I promise not to allow this to happen again. Dr Dick has been pestering me to update for ages and as he may one day my have my life in his hands I thought it was the wisest option. I am less worried about the threatening emails to update from Dame Vanessa and her American Cohort as I have the Atlantic between us and the Dollar is so weak it couldn't buy Amy Winehouse some dignity never mind a plane ticket.

I am still drifting aimlessly through life although I was promoted at work which has allowed less time for such frivolities as the internet, socialising and getting up to go to the toilet. Ah well, at least nobody sees the wet patch beneath my swanky new desk. Apart from that there is little news. My BFF and her hunky Husband are moving to Cambridge in a week or two so I shall be able to spend a lot more time with them, indeed a festive menage a trois of sorts is planned for Christmas. She said that I am going to "Do the potatoes and the pudding" I have no idea what that means but it sounds exciting. She is a lady but her husband has a huge penis so I am sure I will not notice her there.

So, anyway. I truly am sorry I have neglected you like Britney did her kids, I promise to try and win custody back! But why not take this break as a nice opportunity to ask YOU a few questions? What do you want to see more of from me? Should the blog stay the same? What would you like more of? Would you like the odd guest blogger now and again? If anyone says more flesh they can forget it unless they buy me a drink first....

The ever wonderful Erin over at Lylium.org has taken this wonderful photo of her friend Teal dressed as Princess Leia. Now, believe it or not that R2D2 is actually a post box! I do love our iconic red pillarboxes we have over here, but sometimes I wish we could do something as cool as this.



Check out the blog entry "Damsel in Distress" as well as the rest of Erin's fabulous blog. It is completely different to mine, but she is a funny, cool person and she takes some amazing photographs. The picture has spread across the net like wildfire and now she and Teal are hoping to use it to help raise some money for Teal's Scholarship Fund in an effort to secure her the place she gained at Cambridge.

I know this isn't a bitchy, witty entry but sometimes you just have to give a girl her due and say wow. The fact that she is a foxy redhead certainly helps, us gays love our fiery haired minxes.

So, recent reports reveal that Keira Knightley has decided to give up acting. Personally, I am not sure she ever began. But hey, who am I to questions good news.

I have nothing against her personally, except the fact that she seems a little self-inflated (ego wise, I could hardly be talking about anything else in her case) and the fact that she seems to have achieved her movie roles purely on the premise that she is skinny and vaguely attractive. That's Hollywood I guess.

A friend of mine saw her in some dire period piece and reported that she was so wooden on screen that it was like watching an ironing board in a frock. So basically she is flat as a pancake and stands in the corner and is hardly used. Bah.

It annoys me that there are so many talented actors in our country and the only ones that seem to get work abroad are the dull, skinny pretty ones and the truly talented ones have to wait until middle age whereupon they will get a slew of 'character' roles and then inevitably play some royal in an oscar grabbing portrayal. Don't get me wrong I ADORE La Dench and Dame Helen, but even they get pigeon-holed so much of the time and rarely REALLY get to use their formidable acting skills unless it is on stage (and anyone who has seen them treading the boards will know what I mean).

I know it is almost anathema for me to say it, but are some things more important that having a fabulous Oscar dress and wearing it well. Oh man, that sentence actually hurt to type. Am I a bad gay man to want some talent to go along with my glamour? Is that SO wrong?

Of course I couldn't give a fig about the men as long as they are pretty and spend a good deal of the film shirtless. This is why I may be one of the few people on the planet that is looking forward to Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. Sure, the trailers look good, but I can't quite wash the stink of the first film from my brain yet. What it DOES have going for it is the hope that Chris Evans (Below) will spend a good portion of the film burning his clothes off again.

Marry me Christopher. sigh

I just received a lovely email from Richard in Canada (that is not him in the pic, that's Jordan and Peter Andre) who reads my blog with his husband and two dogs and it got me to thinking on the topic of Gay Marriage. Several of my friends have got married over this last year and it seems to be a wonderful thing for them, even though I know it is not for me. I think it is great that people in stable, loving relationships now have that extra level of security and (shudder) commitment that only brings them closer together and, I think, gives them that next level that can often stabilize a relationship and help it last.


But BY god I thought that having lots of gay friends would mean that I wouldn't have to spend a good part of my post 30 years shelling out for wedding presents, how wrong I was. It is not just any wedding presents either, with gays it is wedding LISTS! Wedding lists from places like John Lewis, Harrods and Fortnum and Masons. That old adage of gays having taste is only partly true, gays have expensive taste. Now, I want you to stretch your imaginations here and envision the possibility that I would ever want to settle down (This is obviously after they legalise 3 day marriages and multi-partner relationships) my wedding list would more than likely be at a place like the local comic shop, a choclatiers and somewhere that sold porn.

I am a man of simple tastes. I like my men simple and I like my life simple, unless the complications are dramatic and I can go on and on about it to anyone who will listen of course.
I would probably have the ceremony in a park, wearing jeans and a t-shirt and the reception at a nearby bar. Instead of spending money on cards and dressing up nicely, everyone can buy me a drink. Presents of course would be mandatory but given my choices of shop, also pretty cheap.

No, sorry, I can't go on. That's what I would like to do, but in reality I would bankrupt myself to have some kind of spectacular ceremony just so I can rub people's faces in my happiness and then spend the next ten years forcing the photo's of the event upon anyone that came calling. After all, isn't that the whole reason for marriage?

Pinkies

Thing 1 and I coined a new word today.

It is a habit of the press in the UK to coin acronyms for different social classes, I am not sure how widespread this habit is, or whether is is just a British thing but in the past few decades we had YUPPIES (Young Urban Professional), YUMMY (Young Upwardly Mobile Mum) and then DINKIES (Double Income No Kids). Now I am surprised nobody has come up with this before, but after some thorough research (5 minutes on google) we decided that we were the first people to use the word PINKIE in reference to outr neighbours. Not because they are some kind of communist household, but rather that they are a well established gay couple with a decent income and their own house. PINKIE stands for Pink Income No Kids.

We hear a lot of tales in the gay community of how strong the Pink Pound is and how lucrative a target market we are and I think it is true. I mean seriously, did they really think it was kids that kept Steps at the top of the charts for so long? Would Dolly Parton have been wealthy enough to build the kingdom of camp that is Dollywood if not for those Cowboys in rhinestones that *ahem* admire Tom of Finland so much? And KD Lang's Ingenue album certainly did not chart so high through her dress sense.

Our Gaybours (also a new word copyright Thing 1 and Gaymo) are constantly upgrading their house. Almost each month there is a new bathroom being added or a new super wide, flatscreen tv appearing in another room/hall/toilet/cupboard. It is quite heartwarming to think that whilst our wonderful heterosexual brothers and sisters often do not get to spend their money on themselves until the kids have been thrown into the real world by the scruff of their necks, we only have ourselves and occasional cats and dogs to spend out hard earned money on.

Of course I am certainly not there yet, still being a hedonistic singleton who spends his hard earned cash on Pink Converse and impressing boys. Thankfully, here is where the gaycosystem REALLY starts to work. What do those PINKIES do with all the 6 month old electronics, furniture, gadgets and porn that is now so horrendously out of date? Why they donate it to us younger, less upwardly mobile (more horizontally stationary) homos!! This is why our living room sports two newish trendy sofas and a fabulous new Television. It is Nurture over nature at its best.

Thing 1 has just informed me that PINKIES should really be reserved for gay men, our sapphic sisters apparently should henceforth be referred to as LICKERS (Lesbian Income, Cat, Kids, Exes, Renovations, Strap-ons)

Go forth my minons and work hard to ensure that these are in the Oxford English Dictionary as soon as possible. Fly my pretties, FLY!

Oh my god I have been SO utterly bored. I would have updated my blog in the last three weeks, but sadly I have been off work with a slipped disc, so the most interesting thing I have seen is the four walls of my (admittedly fabulous) remarkably tidy room.

Before I get a flood of comments asking whether I did it during some kinky sex games, the answer is sadly not. It was even gayer that that. I was happily ensconced at my desk at work when a colleague decided it would be funny to poke me in the ribs. Now, as with everything I do, when I jump I go the whole hog and I must have levitated about six inches from my chair and twisted my spine in an awkward manner. So yes, it did involve another gay, six inches and poking, but alas not in the fun way.


Now I wont bore you with details of the pain involved in a slipped disc, but what I do want to say is how utterly FABULOUS the drugs they give you are. I have been on a cocktail of strong painkillers, anti-inflammatory pills and muscle relaxants (which just happen to be the divine Diazepam). Now, I don't know what my housemates found funniest, the sight of me hobbling around or the fact that I had less of an attentions span than a homosexual with Freddie Ljungberg on one side of the road and Kylie on the other. Simple anecdotes would take an age to finish as I wondered off on various tangents that had little to do with the original subject matter...

So you see, that is why I waited until I was off the bulk of the pills before creating a blog entry and only have a picture of my recent New York trip to illustrate it with. Other wise you would have had 1000 words talking about how great daytime tv is and what I would have worn to the oscars, but also did you know what I had for dinner and isn't Daniel Radcliffe HOT these days (out of my mind you see).

So, back to regular broadcast schedule with a more coherent, more focused...

Oh look, America's Next Top Model is on, must dash....

I spotted this little chap on my way to work and It got me thinking...Is life so stressful in London that it even forces the pigeons to turn to alcohol and cigarettes? It has been a funny few weeks and today kind of capped it for me, my day was dull and little difficult and ended with me saying farewell to a lovely girl who is emigrating and I shall miss terribly, but two of my close friends had absolutely awful evenings, one unfortunate and one positively appalling. I wont go into detail about either as they are rather personal and I am not one to divulge personal details of friends lives unless there is some comic value in the retelling, but both of these were linked in some way, I believe, to city living. Being a part of that huge, anonymous, gray urban sprawl.

In a way it has been a bit of a kick in the pants for me. I realised that for the past few months I have been coasting along letting life happen to me, Just sitting back and sinking into that amorphous mass that is the inhabitants of any city in the world. Where has my drive gone? My enthusiasm and creativity? I haven't been unhappy per se, but I HAVE been incredibly passive (and SO not in the good way dammit) falling into a routine that was comfortable but static.

I think that I need to really work on getting myself out of this rut I have made for myself (mmm rut) and start concentrating on moving my life forward again. I will focus more on my writing, spend some time looking for another job and maybe do a course in something or other. I have been toying with the idea of expanding my practical skills in some way and maybe Project Runway/Catwalk will inspire me to do fashion design. Something I toyed with at college but never really threw myself into. Who knows what the future will hold if only I put my mind to it. It is about time I stopped advising other people and listened to what I am saying myself.

Wish me luck and pour me an Apple Martini, I may be home late tonight...

It's interesting how one is sometimes forced to re examine priorities in life. I have always said how I don't WANT a relationship and I am happy on my own but recently I have discovered that is wrong. I DO want a boyfriend, it's just that I don't think I would be very good at keeping one. It's similar to my unfulfilled childhood ambition of being an Astronaut. I know I would love to do it, I can imagine myself at launch pad, taking off and floating weightless inside the space station but at the same time I am fully aware that I don't have the dedication, intelligence or physicality to actually do the job. The same thing is true of a monogamous relationship. I know the idea appeals to me, but I just don't think I am wired that way. Ah well ces't la vie.

Oh and in a hilarious attempt at misdirection to try and stop you all asking why I haven't posted in months here is a picture of me in 1940'2 army uniform complete with REAL moustache for my works Christmas Party. Enjoy...

Ahh, I love the onset of Winter, really I do. There is something so fresh and clean about it, that crisp, clear tang in the air. The turning on of the heating so that you feel toasty inside and exhilerated when outside. I always think of the onset of Winter as a clean slate, the promise of snow coming to make everything white and fresh and new.

This last week has been very good for me indeed. I am over my heartbreak enough to get on with things and genuinely wish the two guys well together. I have met so many great men over the last few weeks in my dating overload and even managed to reconnect with the Sexy Dr Dick that some of you may remember from earlier this year. Although he is now in a relationship so incredible sexual tension aside it will all stay strictly above the waist....

So yes. The weight is continuing to fall off, I lost a full half a stone last week and people keep commenting how good I look. Of course this makes me feel super confident and hence the high success rate on my recent dates. Mmmmmmm dates. Oh and come monday it will be a whole month since I quit smoking! Go team Gaymo, bring on the male cheerleaders....

This week was a particularly fruitful one. I lost 4lbs (total lost so far 11) and it is now 2 weeks since I was a smoker. If you could see through this computer screen, you would see what I like to call, my smug face. It's a face I enjoy using I should really take a picture soon...

My mother has also been inspired by me to start a diet too, I wish her the best of luck, but I worry about some of the funny ideas she seems to have about calorie control. Here are some of my mothers beliefs about calories....

1) If it is stolen from someone else's plate, the calories do not count.

2) If it is eaten whilst cooking, the calories do not count.

3) If you leave a forkful of food on a plate, then you have consumed only half the calories originally on that plate.

4) Free food is free from calories.

5) Chocolate consumed whilst walking to the shops contains no calories at all.

6) Being drunk burns off calories and therefore negates any that were in the alcohol.

Ah well, it could be worse, my father doesn't even believe calories exist. All 26 stone of him.

In the meantime people have started to notice my weight loss and this has helped make me less attractive by the broadening of the smug face. Funnily enough I seem to be a bit swamped by boys at the moment too, but I think that is a whole other entry in itself (fnar) ........

I have not been blogging for long enough, or regular enough for this to be something I would get nominated in, but check out the Gay Bloggies Awards and think of me or my dear friends The Pirate King and Glitterforbrains.

Of course, if you did vote for me in any of the categories, I would love you forever!