Friday, August 25, 2006

A Gaymosexual's Guide to Dating. Lesson 1

I suppose I have known you all long enough now to trust you with a few secrets of mine. A word of advice or a piece of helpful encouragement to all you guys and gals out there that want help and, naturally, come to me to get it. It's ok, don't be shy, we can treat this as a learning experience. You scratch my back and I will, well, do pretty much anything you want for a bag or marbles and a slice of cheese on toast.

I have decided to start a series of advice posts in this blog to share with you all my particular area of expertise....Dating. I consider myself something of an expert at dating, its something, like abusing prescription medication, that I have done enough of to have developed a certain knack for. I think it is only fair that I share this knowledge with YOU my pretties. Please use it well...

A Gaymosexual's Guide to Dating. Lesson 1

Ok, the first piece of advice I am going to share with you is something useful in the pick-up stage. That first meeting in a bar, theatre or park late at night that can signify the beginning of a beautiful relationship. It's a technique that has served me well over the past *mumble* years and one I now bequeath to you. It is called the 3 look rule and it goes something like this...

Stage 1.

Stage one of the 3 look rule is the easiest to implement and the most difficult to follow through on. It simply involves the making of eye contact with a chosen hunk and holding it for approximately 3 seconds. If the eye contact is reciprocated proceed to stage 2 and if not repeat stage 1 with another hunk of choice. It is important to remember not to make any kind of facial expression during stage one, other than the locking of eyes.

Stage 2.

After successful completion of stage one a short break must be undertaken of no less than 10 seconds and no more than 3 minutes for maximum effect. Consider your movements and body posture carefully during this break, if you are drinking an embarrassing alcopop, slide it surreptitiously across the table so that it appears that someone else is drinking it. Suck in your gut and casually arrange your hair/clothes to maximize your attractiveness. When ready re-establish eye contact with Mr Gorgeous and hold for approximately 5-10 seconds. During stage 2 you may allow a faint smile to appear round your mouth and a slight raising of one eyebrow is also permitted, but PLEASE make sure that both of these movements are very subtle indeed. Once this task is complete proceed to stage 3.

Stage 3.

This is the most important and delicate phase of the whole operation and must only be undertaken when you are satisfied that the first two stages are complete and the object of your affection is suitably intrigued. It is important that you are looking up at your subject, so unless you have hobbit heritage like myself it may be best to be seated during this exercise. If the subject of your lust is a midget or in a wheelchair then I would advise squatting casually by a wall as if rummaging though a bag. After a break of at least 1 minute and no more than 5 you must again make eye contact with your victim, remember you MUST be looking slightly UP at him for this to be failsafe. This time you must maintain eye-contact for as long as you see fit but just before you break away I want you to smile shyly at your future husband, briefly look down and quickly regain contact. Brighten that smile and look away again.

This is all you need to do now and I will guarantee that you have hooked your man. Do not make eye contact again with him until HE approaches you, which he now has no choice but to do. If you have followed all these procedures correctly and he has not come over you are permitted to go to the bar/toilet/bush and ever so gently brush past him, but this is generally unnecessary.

Good luck my lovelies and part 2 will come soon where I will impart some handy hints as to how to behave when you are actually ON a date, so that man just can't get enough of you. .

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Taken from B3ta and originally posted by Admiral Drew Peacock

Saturday, August 12, 2006

I swear tonsillitis not only makes one feel absolutely horrible, but it prevents me from doing several of my favorite things as well. Namely: eating, talking and kissing boys. (the obvious sex life implications glossed over for I am still a gentleman who insists on tongue to tongue before tongue to anywhere else). Anyway, yes. I am feeling utterly sorry for myself in a way that only the homosexual male can do. Thank the gods that tonsils are not required to type and I can still seek sympathy lamely on the interweb.

It is a good job I am not back in work until Tuesday, this gives me plenty of time to recover, but on the other hand, I can't really go out either. I AM SO BORED! It didn't help that the bin men woke me up this morning by being particularly loud. Usually I am not one to complain when a bunch of burly men clamor outside my bedroom window, in fact it is positively welcome under normal circumstances. SO, maybe expect more regular updates of a particularly self pitying Bent over the next few days. I know you will all love that.

Oh, and before any smart alecs out there get any ideas. It is definitely tonsillitis and not bruising, if only I were so lucky. Although the still unhealed carpet burns on my knees are another matter entirely...

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

I had lunch this evening with a millionaire porn baron. No, really I did. He's a good friend of mine who has recently given up the reigns of his porn empire to focus his attentions on more pressing matters such as masturbation and sleeping until noon. Bastard. I am sure if I ran such an empire I would be bounding into work with more energy than Gary Glitter at a cub scout camp. But I suppose even the greater things in life loose their charms after repeat exposure. One only has to think of 'Friends', 'Desperate Housewives' and S Club 7 to remember how something shiny and wonderful soon turns into something faded, dull and so annoying that you have to lock it in the attic (But you still can't quite bring yourself to throw away).

It always motivates me when I am surrounded by rich, successful, good-looking people. I always find myself either reaching for the knife, or reaching towards my diary in a vein hope of filling my life more usefully. I know that most of you consider boys, glamour and the attention of celebrities a worthwhile pursuit, but I can't help feeling that there is something more to it all. That there is something I can give back...

So, I have been working on a top secret project that you will hear about very soon.....

Sunday, August 06, 2006

We have Thing 1 and Thing 2's mother here for a few days, always lovely to see her as I get treated as the sons he never had, she even brings us pink iced buns, a sure fire way to get in my good books. Anyway, as Thing 1 is in Canada at the Gay Games with her girlfriend I took the opportunity to find out as many embarrassing stories about Thing 2 as possible.

Completely in keeping with her character I found out that her first word was 'Bugger'. Still a favorite of hers today. It is interesting to find out what people's first word was and to note whether it bore any relation to their characters in later life. Mine was either 'flower' or 'banana' so either gay or food obsessed would work perfectly for me. Another friend of mine's first word was 'car' and they are now a taxi driver. What was your first word and did it bear any relation to who you are now? Obviously we can discount mum or dad unless you have turned out to have particularly incestuous tendencies, in which case it could be a funny story. For us anyway...

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

I implore you all to go to iTunes or your nearest music store and purchase a copy of Betcha Bottom Dollar by the Puppini Sisters. They are the fabulous act that I saw at Duckie the other week and are well worth a listen to. Campy, quirky and clever they are a modern swing group consisting of 3 gorgeous girls and a hunk-filled band. As well as classic swing tunes such as Mr Sandman and Jeepers Creepers, they also do perfectly harmonised versions of camp modern classics such as I Will Survive, Heart of Glass and Wuthering Heights and a sublime version of Panic by the Smiths....

It's all well worth a listen to. Go on, feel smug and discover them before they hit the big time!