Friday, November 30, 2007

Oh my, I have been awful haven't I! 6 whole months? I promise not to allow this to happen again. Dr Dick has been pestering me to update for ages and as he may one day my have my life in his hands I thought it was the wisest option. I am less worried about the threatening emails to update from Dame Vanessa and her American Cohort as I have the Atlantic between us and the Dollar is so weak it couldn't buy Amy Winehouse some dignity never mind a plane ticket.

I am still drifting aimlessly through life although I was promoted at work which has allowed less time for such frivolities as the internet, socialising and getting up to go to the toilet. Ah well, at least nobody sees the wet patch beneath my swanky new desk. Apart from that there is little news. My BFF and her hunky Husband are moving to Cambridge in a week or two so I shall be able to spend a lot more time with them, indeed a festive menage a trois of sorts is planned for Christmas. She said that I am going to "Do the potatoes and the pudding" I have no idea what that means but it sounds exciting. She is a lady but her husband has a huge penis so I am sure I will not notice her there.

So, anyway. I truly am sorry I have neglected you like Britney did her kids, I promise to try and win custody back! But why not take this break as a nice opportunity to ask YOU a few questions? What do you want to see more of from me? Should the blog stay the same? What would you like more of? Would you like the odd guest blogger now and again? If anyone says more flesh they can forget it unless they buy me a drink first....

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

The ever wonderful Erin over at has taken this wonderful photo of her friend Teal dressed as Princess Leia. Now, believe it or not that R2D2 is actually a post box! I do love our iconic red pillarboxes we have over here, but sometimes I wish we could do something as cool as this.

Check out the blog entry "Damsel in Distress" as well as the rest of Erin's fabulous blog. It is completely different to mine, but she is a funny, cool person and she takes some amazing photographs. The picture has spread across the net like wildfire and now she and Teal are hoping to use it to help raise some money for Teal's Scholarship Fund in an effort to secure her the place she gained at Cambridge.

I know this isn't a bitchy, witty entry but sometimes you just have to give a girl her due and say wow. The fact that she is a foxy redhead certainly helps, us gays love our fiery haired minxes.

Friday, May 04, 2007

So, recent reports reveal that Keira Knightley has decided to give up acting. Personally, I am not sure she ever began. But hey, who am I to questions good news.

I have nothing against her personally, except the fact that she seems a little self-inflated (ego wise, I could hardly be talking about anything else in her case) and the fact that she seems to have achieved her movie roles purely on the premise that she is skinny and vaguely attractive. That's Hollywood I guess.

A friend of mine saw her in some dire period piece and reported that she was so wooden on screen that it was like watching an ironing board in a frock. So basically she is flat as a pancake and stands in the corner and is hardly used. Bah.

It annoys me that there are so many talented actors in our country and the only ones that seem to get work abroad are the dull, skinny pretty ones and the truly talented ones have to wait until middle age whereupon they will get a slew of 'character' roles and then inevitably play some royal in an oscar grabbing portrayal. Don't get me wrong I ADORE La Dench and Dame Helen, but even they get pigeon-holed so much of the time and rarely REALLY get to use their formidable acting skills unless it is on stage (and anyone who has seen them treading the boards will know what I mean).

I know it is almost anathema for me to say it, but are some things more important that having a fabulous Oscar dress and wearing it well. Oh man, that sentence actually hurt to type. Am I a bad gay man to want some talent to go along with my glamour? Is that SO wrong?

Of course I couldn't give a fig about the men as long as they are pretty and spend a good deal of the film shirtless. This is why I may be one of the few people on the planet that is looking forward to Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. Sure, the trailers look good, but I can't quite wash the stink of the first film from my brain yet. What it DOES have going for it is the hope that Chris Evans (Below) will spend a good portion of the film burning his clothes off again.

Marry me Christopher. sigh

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

I just received a lovely email from Richard in Canada (that is not him in the pic, that's Jordan and Peter Andre) who reads my blog with his husband and two dogs and it got me to thinking on the topic of Gay Marriage. Several of my friends have got married over this last year and it seems to be a wonderful thing for them, even though I know it is not for me. I think it is great that people in stable, loving relationships now have that extra level of security and (shudder) commitment that only brings them closer together and, I think, gives them that next level that can often stabilize a relationship and help it last.

But BY god I thought that having lots of gay friends would mean that I wouldn't have to spend a good part of my post 30 years shelling out for wedding presents, how wrong I was. It is not just any wedding presents either, with gays it is wedding LISTS! Wedding lists from places like John Lewis, Harrods and Fortnum and Masons. That old adage of gays having taste is only partly true, gays have expensive taste. Now, I want you to stretch your imaginations here and envision the possibility that I would ever want to settle down (This is obviously after they legalise 3 day marriages and multi-partner relationships) my wedding list would more than likely be at a place like the local comic shop, a choclatiers and somewhere that sold porn.

I am a man of simple tastes. I like my men simple and I like my life simple, unless the complications are dramatic and I can go on and on about it to anyone who will listen of course.
I would probably have the ceremony in a park, wearing jeans and a t-shirt and the reception at a nearby bar. Instead of spending money on cards and dressing up nicely, everyone can buy me a drink. Presents of course would be mandatory but given my choices of shop, also pretty cheap.

No, sorry, I can't go on. That's what I would like to do, but in reality I would bankrupt myself to have some kind of spectacular ceremony just so I can rub people's faces in my happiness and then spend the next ten years forcing the photo's of the event upon anyone that came calling. After all, isn't that the whole reason for marriage?

Saturday, March 31, 2007


Thing 1 and I coined a new word today.

It is a habit of the press in the UK to coin acronyms for different social classes, I am not sure how widespread this habit is, or whether is is just a British thing but in the past few decades we had YUPPIES (Young Urban Professional), YUMMY (Young Upwardly Mobile Mum) and then DINKIES (Double Income No Kids). Now I am surprised nobody has come up with this before, but after some thorough research (5 minutes on google) we decided that we were the first people to use the word PINKIE in reference to outr neighbours. Not because they are some kind of communist household, but rather that they are a well established gay couple with a decent income and their own house. PINKIE stands for Pink Income No Kids.

We hear a lot of tales in the gay community of how strong the Pink Pound is and how lucrative a target market we are and I think it is true. I mean seriously, did they really think it was kids that kept Steps at the top of the charts for so long? Would Dolly Parton have been wealthy enough to build the kingdom of camp that is Dollywood if not for those Cowboys in rhinestones that *ahem* admire Tom of Finland so much? And KD Lang's Ingenue album certainly did not chart so high through her dress sense.

Our Gaybours (also a new word copyright Thing 1 and Gaymo) are constantly upgrading their house. Almost each month there is a new bathroom being added or a new super wide, flatscreen tv appearing in another room/hall/toilet/cupboard. It is quite heartwarming to think that whilst our wonderful heterosexual brothers and sisters often do not get to spend their money on themselves until the kids have been thrown into the real world by the scruff of their necks, we only have ourselves and occasional cats and dogs to spend out hard earned money on.

Of course I am certainly not there yet, still being a hedonistic singleton who spends his hard earned cash on Pink Converse and impressing boys. Thankfully, here is where the gaycosystem REALLY starts to work. What do those PINKIES do with all the 6 month old electronics, furniture, gadgets and porn that is now so horrendously out of date? Why they donate it to us younger, less upwardly mobile (more horizontally stationary) homos!! This is why our living room sports two newish trendy sofas and a fabulous new Television. It is Nurture over nature at its best.

Thing 1 has just informed me that PINKIES should really be reserved for gay men, our sapphic sisters apparently should henceforth be referred to as LICKERS (Lesbian Income, Cat, Kids, Exes, Renovations, Strap-ons)

Go forth my minons and work hard to ensure that these are in the Oxford English Dictionary as soon as possible. Fly my pretties, FLY!

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Oh my god I have been SO utterly bored. I would have updated my blog in the last three weeks, but sadly I have been off work with a slipped disc, so the most interesting thing I have seen is the four walls of my (admittedly fabulous) remarkably tidy room.

Before I get a flood of comments asking whether I did it during some kinky sex games, the answer is sadly not. It was even gayer that that. I was happily ensconced at my desk at work when a colleague decided it would be funny to poke me in the ribs. Now, as with everything I do, when I jump I go the whole hog and I must have levitated about six inches from my chair and twisted my spine in an awkward manner. So yes, it did involve another gay, six inches and poking, but alas not in the fun way.

Now I wont bore you with details of the pain involved in a slipped disc, but what I do want to say is how utterly FABULOUS the drugs they give you are. I have been on a cocktail of strong painkillers, anti-inflammatory pills and muscle relaxants (which just happen to be the divine Diazepam). Now, I don't know what my housemates found funniest, the sight of me hobbling around or the fact that I had less of an attentions span than a homosexual with Freddie Ljungberg on one side of the road and Kylie on the other. Simple anecdotes would take an age to finish as I wondered off on various tangents that had little to do with the original subject matter...

So you see, that is why I waited until I was off the bulk of the pills before creating a blog entry and only have a picture of my recent New York trip to illustrate it with. Other wise you would have had 1000 words talking about how great daytime tv is and what I would have worn to the oscars, but also did you know what I had for dinner and isn't Daniel Radcliffe HOT these days (out of my mind you see).

So, back to regular broadcast schedule with a more coherent, more focused...

Oh look, America's Next Top Model is on, must dash....

Friday, March 02, 2007

I spotted this little chap on my way to work and It got me thinking...Is life so stressful in London that it even forces the pigeons to turn to alcohol and cigarettes? It has been a funny few weeks and today kind of capped it for me, my day was dull and little difficult and ended with me saying farewell to a lovely girl who is emigrating and I shall miss terribly, but two of my close friends had absolutely awful evenings, one unfortunate and one positively appalling. I wont go into detail about either as they are rather personal and I am not one to divulge personal details of friends lives unless there is some comic value in the retelling, but both of these were linked in some way, I believe, to city living. Being a part of that huge, anonymous, gray urban sprawl.

In a way it has been a bit of a kick in the pants for me. I realised that for the past few months I have been coasting along letting life happen to me, Just sitting back and sinking into that amorphous mass that is the inhabitants of any city in the world. Where has my drive gone? My enthusiasm and creativity? I haven't been unhappy per se, but I HAVE been incredibly passive (and SO not in the good way dammit) falling into a routine that was comfortable but static.

I think that I need to really work on getting myself out of this rut I have made for myself (mmm rut) and start concentrating on moving my life forward again. I will focus more on my writing, spend some time looking for another job and maybe do a course in something or other. I have been toying with the idea of expanding my practical skills in some way and maybe Project Runway/Catwalk will inspire me to do fashion design. Something I toyed with at college but never really threw myself into. Who knows what the future will hold if only I put my mind to it. It is about time I stopped advising other people and listened to what I am saying myself.

Wish me luck and pour me an Apple Martini, I may be home late tonight...

Monday, January 08, 2007

It's interesting how one is sometimes forced to re examine priorities in life. I have always said how I don't WANT a relationship and I am happy on my own but recently I have discovered that is wrong. I DO want a boyfriend, it's just that I don't think I would be very good at keeping one. It's similar to my unfulfilled childhood ambition of being an Astronaut. I know I would love to do it, I can imagine myself at launch pad, taking off and floating weightless inside the space station but at the same time I am fully aware that I don't have the dedication, intelligence or physicality to actually do the job. The same thing is true of a monogamous relationship. I know the idea appeals to me, but I just don't think I am wired that way. Ah well ces't la vie.

Oh and in a hilarious attempt at misdirection to try and stop you all asking why I haven't posted in months here is a picture of me in 1940'2 army uniform complete with REAL moustache for my works Christmas Party. Enjoy...