BAH! That's what I have to say on the matter! BAH! I am in a complete mada because my lovely plans for the weekend have been utterly ruined. I had a lovely 4 day weekend off though a judicious use of holiday and day-off swapping and was planning on spending some quality time catching up with the sexy Doctor who has now moved to London. However, work cancelled my holiday as there is not enough staff in to cover the Saturday, SO unless I can blackmail one of my colleagues into working an extra shift I have to forgo that pre-planned pleasure and face a hoard of moaning old biddies wanting their theatre fix for the day.

I think I may have to go watch Barbarella just to cheer myself up. I suppose I can get my check-up on Sunday.......sigh....

Wow, sorry for the lack of updates people. It's been pretty manic for me in the last few weeks. Not only has work gone Margot Kidder crazy with a new computer system that nobody knows how to work, but I have been going to more clubs and pubs than a newly released Big Brother contestant!

That is NO excuse I know, BAD gay, bad BAD gay!

But seriously, what else is one to do when Big Brother turns to shit and the weather is too beautiful to stay inside looking at shirtless men on the interweb? Thankfully, a small solution presented itself to me yesterday in the form of the return of Britain's Next Top Model on that channel aimed at Gay Men and Bored Housewives Living TV! It's a guilty pleasure watching 13 beautiful women reduced to tears by a panel of botoxed Z-list celebrities and evoked a secret desire in me to show them just how to pose and walk down that catwalk even though the last time I wondered down one it was aged 7, dressed as a woman for a charity evening arranged by my scout master. Yes, it worries me too looking back on it.

So how the hell are you all? Gossip please...

Some of you may remember a while back I spoke of 'Beta testing' new men. Well, now the theory has evolved into something I like to call 'Quantum Dating'. You see it's all about the possibilities....

Basically you date as many people as possible and see if something sticks. Also, because you are dealing with idea's like Quantum Theory and Schrodinger's Cat, you date all these people so can have tremendous amounts of fun, but you are also NOT dating them so there is no need to worry about commitment until that Quantum possibility asserts itself.

GENIUS, hand me my Nobel Prize now, I have cleared a space amongst my Buffy DVD's, I have hired a Tux (which I look FABULOUS in) and have an acceptance speech prepared!

I am sorry there are no photo's from the end of my Birthday week, but I think I was maybe too drunk to remember the camera, let alone use it!

Friday was the big gay party. Lots of fun although I ended up outside for most of the night chatting to a sexy boy who looked like Jack from Lost! Both The Pirate King and Glitter for Brains were there and had my hormones positively raging, proving that one can be 30 and still be as horny as a teenager. DAMN those boys are hot, I insist you check them out immediately.

Saturday, I am afraid I let you all down horribly and took a day off, sorely needed I tell you. Sunday was the barbecue and in the absence of a straight man I was forced to take charge and do it all myself. I am sure there is some primal instinct that kicks in for us boys when fire is involved. I lovingly tended the flames and then started slapping the meat about before offering it to my guests. So, no change there then!

Now, sadly I am back at work and attempting my 'new, healthy Clint'. The not smoking lasted all of 2 days, but I intend to try again very soon, once work is a tad less stressful. At least since May I am down from 25 a day to around 10. Surely the eating well and exercising count for something though? Moral support here guys?? I mean good health is just the slowest possible way of dying and if you lived a completely healthy lifestyle you are going to feel pretty stupid lying in your hospital bed being treated for nothing...

NO! I mustn't think like that. I shall carry on with the rowing machine and the fresh veg/healthy food and attempt the smoking cessation again soon. I think I was a little stupid trying to do it all at once.

Carrying on the details of my Birthday week (HA the Queen only gets 2 Birthdays, I get a whole week!) Monday was coffee and cake on the south bank with work people, and Tuesday was a meal at Cafe Gallipole Again on Upper Ground, Islington. Cafe Gallipole Again is a WONDERFUL Turkish restaurant, recommended to my by Dame Aleasha Swiffer. The Dame herself came along, as well as Ruthless, Lisa and Paul, Emma the Beast, J and Robin and his new girlfriend who's name I couldn't be bothered to learn... I know that's awful of me, but I just can't bring myself to care. I am positive he just brought her along to try and spite Lisa who is now happy with Paul since Robin dumped her 2 years ago. Ah well, the meal was great and the company sublime. I even had the cute waiter slip his arm around me to wish me happy birthday!

Dame Aleasha Swiffer and Ruthless in her Dorothy Gale dress..

Wednesday was my surprise from Thing 2, the younger of my sibling housemates. I had NO idea what she had planned for me, thinking something along the lines of street theatre or paintball. I met her at 6pm at Eros in Picadilly Circus where she led me to a small street off Regent St to a place called The Absolut Ice Bar! She paid our entry (£12 each but including a free drink) and we were given hooded ponchos and led into the bar itself....

As you can see the place is absolutely unreal, everything is carved from ice, the walls, the bar, the tables and even the glasses you drink from.


Here is Thing 2 peering through the ice portal carved into one of the booths, nicely modeling her silver poncho. The place was absolutely freezing and a welcome respite from the heat outside, although I can't see people staying down there for too long. It is somewhere ideal to take someone out on an unusual date, kick starting the evening before you go for a meal...

There is even a small ice-cubby where one can stand and look distorted, this is also how I saw the world after my 'several shot' cinnamon vodka I was given upon entry. We stayed for around half and hour and then headed to Ed's Diner for Burger, fries and malted chocolate shake before we rolled home for the evening.

That's it for now guys, I must dash and get ready for my date with the sexy magazine editor this evening. You know, wash my parts and iron my pants and all that. Ciao!

Holy shit I am 30! How did that happen? Surprisingly the world has not ended, I can still manage an erection and I have resisted the urge to buy a porche and sleep with my secretary. Not that I have a secretary you understand, it's a figure of speech. Sigh, say goodbye to the old me...



My week long celebration has started in fine form despite the Birthday phone call from my father who mentioned that he was my age when I was born and that "You could be just like Daddy if you found yourself the right woman and settled down..." Bless him, he still thinks that 15+ years of homosexual infamy is "just a phase".

Saturday evening I visited that bastion of bourgeois bum-banditry, Duckie where I met J, Ruthless and Twisty for the kick off of my 7 days of sin. We watched a dance troupe of senior citizens perform a piece clad entirely in towels and drank and danced away in gay abandon fully fed by the vegetarian Barbecue served up by Amy Lame. I also got to meet that fine hunk of manhood The Pirate King who you may remember interviewed me not a week ago. He is even more delightful in the flesh and has very nimble fingers.

Somehow I even managed to attract the attentions of a rather cute man in a white t-short who I am going out on a date with on Thursday. Ruthless spotted him looking at me before I did and so we did a brief walkpast for a better look and both agreed that he was indeed VFH (Very Fucking Hot), Bingo Kitty indeed. I then proceeded to forget about him as I chatted to my friends and drank more sugar based alcopops that one should really consume in a lifetime (or Newcastle). Upon leaving however he rushed up and asked for my number, no kiss, no conversation beforehand but an opportunity not wasted as we have texted since then and the date arranged. SO Birthday sex may not be completely off the cards yet. Watch this space...

Sunday I took Ms Marika Martini, J, Pan the Knacker and Liana to Leeds castle for the day where we managed to get hopelessly lost in this...



No, seriously I am not kidding we were stuck in that damn thing for about half an hour. Eventually the lady standing on the hill in the centre had to direct us out and all our illusions of being the Famous Five were dashed against the rocks. So instead we forget the lashings of ginger beer and ate a fabulous feast upon a mackintosh square, more photographs can be found at my FlickR account. Do feel free to look around.

More updates later in the week, my vodka hand is getting sore...

Only 2 and a bit days left until I am 30! Isn't it funny how everyone seems to ask "How are you feeling?" or "Nervous about the big day?". People seem determined to make more out of it than there is. It can't be any more traumatic than when I finally became to old for a young persons railcard can it? Surely not? Ok, where was I? Oh yes, Monday. I had a point to make I am sure of it, but what was it? Damn, I am so easily distracted.

That was it! PRESENTS. Hopefully the sympathy card will come into play here and people will buy me extra thoughtful presents in the vain hope of distracting me from impending retirement. Presents or cake. Come on, you know you want to see me happy....

"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

Mark Twain

I took this photo of some beautiful flowers in our back garden....


Then I realised that was very gay. Very, VERY gay. So I tried to watch football, but Big Brother was on so I watched that instead. I LOVE Nikki. Obviously, I couldn't bear to be in the same room as her, but defended by the 'off' button on my remote I can safely watch her outbursts with glee. Surely there has never been a comic genious as wonderfully bonkers as her?!?!

After his fascinating interview on his own blog The Coterie of Zombies I have in turn, been interviewed by The Pirate King ;p SO, here are his questions and my answers.....


Question 1: You're turning thirty soon. You say that this could be the motivator to get you fitter and happier, but your most recent post is a little maudlin, reflecting on your will (I am intestate, personally). My first question, then, is what are you doing now that you weren't doing at 20, and what do you hope to be doing when you hit 40?

Hmm I don't see the post as maudlin. I think I have a pretty healthy attitude to death, practical almost. For me, it's not something to look forward to, but not something to be frightened of either. Anyway, at 30 I am living in London, in an amazing house with some great friends. I am comfortable with who I am, whereas at 20 I was fairly self loathing. As a result of this I have a healthy sex life and social life I am very happy with. I am earning more money, yet paradoxically in more debt. Unfortunately I am in a better job that I enjoy less than the one I was doing at 20, but that is a situation that can be remedied once I pull my finger out of my (or someone else's) arse.

At 40, I hope to be a more motivated person. I want to have traveled more, experienced more and be more secure in my finances. I want to beat my streak of laziness out of myself, something I consider to be my greatest failing.

Question 2: Unwillingly, it sounds like, you've got a morbid fascination with death and sex. Freudian psychology would suggest that having lost early lovers or seen them end up on Crossroads (worse than death) would set you up with some strange tics around sex and attachment. Do you have anything you could illuminate on that front? Do those experiences shape your sexuality now?

I really do believe that. My fight or flight reaction when it comes to relationships is still set on flight. I find it very hard to form meaningful romantic relationships, but am also not really a one night stand kind of guy as a rule so things can indeed be difficult in this area. I suppose I fear people I love leaving me so distance myself as much as I can and generally don't get involved. Funnily enough, I am happy like this. I don't yearn for a boyfriend or to settle down, so even if it IS rooted in those experiences, it does not seem to affect me too much.

Question 3: Like me, it sounds like you can't sleep as much as you would like to. What do you find helps you to settle, other than gay cowboy movies? Why do you think you can't sleep?

My sleep problems are a side effect of my heart medication. Unfortunately the drugs I am on are the only ones that control my condition (after years of trying alternatives) so this is something I have to live with until new drugs come out. It is now such a firmly rooted part of my life that it hardly even causes me inconvenience.

My way of dealing with it is a glass of warm milk with a dash of whiskey, a cool room and a chapter of a good book. Oh, and no man in my bed to poke/prod me and steal all the covers.

Question 4: You live in Peckham, an area of London that has quite a dodgy reputation - even if you're in the posh end, is it deserved? Is it the place you'd choose to live? If so, what appeals about the area, and do you see much that re-affirms the negative stereotypes people have about the area?

No, it is absolutely not deserved. I lived in Peckham proper for 4 years and never had a problem. I felt safer walking the street there at night than almost anywhere else I have lived. There is a real sense of community where I am now, almost a village feel to the place. I shop at the local butcher, fishmonger and grocer. I know the people in the shops and stop and chat, my neighbor's are friendly and helpful and people say 'good morning' as they pass you on the street. I can't see myself moving from this area for quite some time now, I would even consider buying here if I decided to go down that route.

Question 5: Your blog moves across quite a few different subject areas - sex, movies, jokes and the like. What is it you hope people get out of reading your blog? Oh, and as a follow-up cheeky extra question, you say you're a frustrated writer - what are you doing about that, other than blogging?

Hmm, difficult question. I have 2 blogs, one a more personal one and this one. I guess I intended this blog to be a bit more entertaining than my day-to-day one. Slightly wittier and written in style more for other people than for me. The honest answer is that this blog is written for attention and it is still in its early days of experimenting styles to find out how I can entertain better and gain more attention.

Is that not the reason most blogs, whatever the subject or style, are created for? Sure, it can be cathartic, it can be therapeutic, it can be a way of making your opinions matter. But at the end of the day, we all want to be liked. Or at lest to be noticed....

As for your cheeky question, I am working on a book at the moment and am also toying with an idea for a play. I have had 2 plays staged so far, both to reasonable success, but the book is where my passions lie at the moment and these things take a lot of time and research to do justice to, so people won't hear much of it on here unless it gets published. Then, of course, I shall brag about it until I am blue in the face ;P

I sorted out my will today. Funny thing for a 29yr old in relative good health to do I know, but still, it had to be done. I have an odd relationship with death, it is something I don't fear at all and in my typical Northern way am actually very practical about the whole thing. My parents and I sat down a few years ago and all talked about funeral arrangements, each stipulating what we want done. I even went so far as to find a place near Ripon that I want to be buried in, a nature reserve in fact.

One of the things that has led me to this, apart from my heart condition, is the fact that I have faced so much death already in my life that it holds few mysteries for me now. All 4 grandparents, my beloved dog, my first girlfriend and my first male love too. In fact, my first forays into romance all ended in tragedy of one sort or another. I shall endeavor to write about them briefly here with one stipulation. Don't be afraid to laugh, tragic as they were, they are still fucking bizarre....

1) My first girlfriend Sarah. She was 10, I was 11 and we were 'in love' Her mum introduced me to Bombay Mix and I still can't face Neapolitan Ice-Cream, after vomiting it up in her back garden one sunny day. She went on holiday with her parents and died of heart failure from a defect that until then had gone unnoticed. Even more tragically, this was whilst walking atop some cliffs and she fell over 100ft. Her parents then went on to become the first in the North East to adopt a Romanian baby.

2) My first male love Robert. I doubt he was gay to be honest, but we used to fumble with each other in French class. SUCH a brilliant guy, fun, clever and sporty with a real mischievous edge to him. Things had got to a head and I was invited round his house to play computer games (which I HOPED was a euphemism, even though I didn't know what the word meant at the time). I never got to go round his house as during a game of Golf with my Best friend/enemy at the time Matthew, he was struck on the head with a golf ball and killed.

3) My first long term Girlfriend C. Eventually also turned out gay, then straight again and now bisexual. We never really did anything and I think she secretly knew I was gay. It had to end when she told me she was possessed by the spirit of Janis Joplin and 'Janis' told me that C would kill herself if I didn't stay with her forever. Had SERIOUS issues, but is now sane, sorted and has a lovely daughter.

4) My first penetrative sex experience. S. Drunken flirting with an actor that eventually went on to star in the remake of Dire soap opera 'Crossroads' We were interrupted by his mate S who was jealous of the attention I was giving young actor and proceeded to fling himself at me. Some drunken fumbling led to me fucking him on my mates be. Afterwards he proceeded to run to the kitchen, grab a knife and try to slit his wrists.

SO, you see, not the nest start to a young mans sex life. For YEARS I was convinced I was cursed and refused to sleep with or get close to anyone. But my love of cock helped me get over that and I have realised that there cannot be any curse, or half of london's gay scene would be dead now.

Now, growing up and aging physically can be traumatic for the best of us. As I struggle through the final few weeks of my twenties I think back over some of the more traumatic life changes I went through to get here. Puberty, Coming out, moving to London, Steps splitting up, all painful and yet necessary steps towards becoming an adult.

Now, all of you, my darling readers will go through similar changes, so I scoured the web for you and came up with this work safe, but sometimes disturbing video to help you through those changes....

Click here

I know what I prefer to use MY opening between my legs for.

Well I must say I feel rather smug about myself today. I negated the sins of watching big brother by watching it from the comfort of 'Thing One's' new rowing machine. You can always count on a lady gardener to have the latest in sporting equipment lying around the house for a fattening fag to purloin on occasion. See, it's not all putting up shelves, making ice-cram and owning cats with our lesbionic sisters. No sir! I swear I can feel that six pack inside me screaming for release (It's saying "Let me OUT man, I haven't seen daylight in nigh on twenty years")

This is all part of my "Turning 30 in 24 days plan" and where I write plan, you should read "Nervous Breakdown". After yon birthday the cigarettes are gone, the diet is started and swimming and Yoga will be added to the rowing machine in my exercise repertoire. You see, I figure if I fill my life with these things, I can look other gays in the eye, clasp their arms heartily and say "Yes, brother. NOW I know what you go through, let us be carnal together"

No, seriously these are things I have wanted to do for a while with only half hearted attempts. These are things I SHOULD do and turning 30 can be the spur I need to do it and therefore turn aging into a positive process.

Needless to say, the week of my birthday I am going to drink, smoke and shag like a trooper and eat my bodyweight in cheese and chocolate spread. Ah my friends, I will miss you...

Ah, sleep it is a wonderful and yet strange thing. But in my case it is elusive. My insomnia had kicked into overdrive this week and no amount of dreams about the changing rooms for the England squad will entice my subconscious into letting me pass out.

Of course all my good intentions of using any time I have awake to do household chores to lull me into unconsciousness has failed and instead I lie there and think of Dominic Monaghan stranded on a desert island with only my good self for company....

Tonight I plan on finally watching Brokeback Mountain (I know, I know BAD GAY for not seeing it before) but I actually doubt I can garner up the energy to press play on the DVD player. What I need is a good man to wear me out. Even Rohypnol would be welcome at this stage!

Aside from the lack of sleep, this week has been rather nice. X-men 3 was entertaining and exciting in a summer blockbuster kind of way. I felt the 100 minute running time hindered rather than helped the film as they had crammed so much into it that I was left wanting more. Also, was it me or did Vinne Jones' costume rather resemble a large penis? You know, the veiny, bulky body topped off with the rather phallic helmet?

As I wake up this morning in a rum soaked haze I remember something very strange and wonderful from last nights Eurovision.

When called upon for his scores the male judge from The Netherlands flirted with the Male TV presenter and asked if he wanted his number now or later. The Show's presenter replied "Later will do, but I bet it is 69 69 69"

How camp is that. Full on gay flirting in front of an audience of millions. HILAR.

Eurovision, as ever was Marvelous. My good friend Aleasha held a wigtastic evening complete with more home made food and cake than anyone could possibly ask for. I was disappointed that Germany's fabulous country and western number didn't rank higher than it did....

Or the utterly camp Sibel from Turkey with her Kylie cast-off 'Superstar' complete with pretty British male dancers as back up....


As you can see from the pictures below, Aleasha has a wig fetish that even the delectable Lee would have trouble competing with and of course they were worn all evening. Sadly, I never managed to get any photos of myself in one, but one may appear at some time or other from a friends camera in the meantime meet some friends of mine...

The BEAUTIFUL and talented MS Marika Martini

Our beneficial hostess and entertainer Dame Aleasha Swiffer.

I have had more rum punch than is seemly. In fact you can tell I had had too much when I began desperately sucking at the watermelon in the punch bowl in the hope that it had absorbed more alcohol. Not my most dignified hour, but I did take a cab ride home with someone who has the Prime-Ministers telephone number in their mobile and managed to refrain from 'borrowing' it to leave him dirty voicemails......

Tomorrow is set aside for a nice relaxed Sunday lunch with my ex-housemate the Princess. I do hope wigs are involved again.

Sorry for the lack of updates folks, but this past week my life has been as dull as a Big
Brother contestants post show career.

I know, I know, I promised myself that this year I wouldn't watch it but House
was being recorded and ERwas not on until late that evening so what was
a boy to do??

Well what this boy did was hide his eyes behind his hands at the appalling
sub-species of humanity that they managed to dredge up for this years show.
Again, the public perception of homosexuality has been knocked back 20
years by the two (so-far) stereotypes vomited up on our screen.   I really find
the groups incredibly unlikable so far with the possible exception of Lisa who
just seems mad but sweet.

I know it is way too early to tell for sure and that they were all trying to put on
a show for their first night.   But seriously.   They are all so crazy and eccentric
its difficult to watch.  I get enough of that at work and home!

George and Mikey are ok though, if you removed their ability to think or speak.

Oh blogosphere beware. Whilst home, I got my Birthday present early and it is my very first DIGITAL CAMERA!

No hot boy on the street/tube/bed is safe now and expect plenty of narcissistic shots of myself wearing various funny wigs/hats/cocktails.

One worrying trend to come out of my trip home seems to be a new penchant for wearing shirts? Is this the bloody age thing creeping up on me again or is it just because short sleeved shirts are cool in summer? hmmm

Well dear, dear people. I survived my trip to Middlesbrough and am back with my dignity and my virginity intact. My goddaughter is going to grow up to be a heartbreaker indeed and coupled with her mischievous but lovable nature, I can see why they chose me to be her, ahem, spiritual advisor.

Now, things move back into their normal routine. I shall be seeing x-men 3:Hugh Jackman's Pants next week followed, on Saturday, by the Gay Event of the year. Yes, the Eurovision Song Contest is upon us again. Although, frankly I can't see what the rest of Europe gets out of it as they don't have Terry Wogan's wonderfully sarcastic commentary to listen too. Come on people it cant all be about the frocks and dance routines you know, no matter what the gay handbook says. There has to be at least some bitching involved...

Well seeing as I have to leave you dear, dear people I thought I would leave you with a few things to entertain yourself with while I am away. SO I scoured the internet (Don't worry, I had my marigolds on) and found these two wonderful games to keep you occupied.

Firstly we have Asphyxiate David Blaine , where you get to make the twat in the bubble do nasty things to his smug self.

And secondly, for all you pop culture vultures and celebrity aficionados out there we have a game where you have to guess the celebrity from the trash in their bins IN Celebrite Poubelle Magnifique

Think of me whilst I am in the cultural wasteland that is the North East of England. I don't think they have internet connection in Middlesbrough, but if I manage to get online I may try and post a cry for help.... Adieu

AH, the summer sun. A time for boys to go shirtless and drip ice-cream down their naked, muscled torso’s and for gays and girls to find a nice bench to sit and watch them from. Sadly, I have not had time today as I had to play the good citizen and go and vote this morning for the local elections. I shuidder to think that I had to set foot in a “Community centre” to do so. I had visions of tobaccos stained old men playing dominos and wheezing and troubled teens vandelizing the building and snorting coke off of the formica counters.

Luckily it was nothing like back home in Middlesbrough and the people were all very friendly and nice. There was a little bookstall on the way in selling second-hand paperbacks for 20p each. I had an attack of middle-class guilt though and paid £2 for one instead. See, I think I earn extra karma points today.

I have to dash across the river at lunchtime today to purchase a new shirt and some shoes for the christening. 2 things I absolutely loathe shopping for, I may have to have a G&T to perk me up after before I head back to work.

Wish me luck…