I sorted out my will today. Funny thing for a 29yr old in relative good health to do I know, but still, it had to be done. I have an odd relationship with death, it is something I don't fear at all and in my typical Northern way am actually very practical about the whole thing. My parents and I sat down a few years ago and all talked about funeral arrangements, each stipulating what we want done. I even went so far as to find a place near Ripon that I want to be buried in, a nature reserve in fact.

One of the things that has led me to this, apart from my heart condition, is the fact that I have faced so much death already in my life that it holds few mysteries for me now. All 4 grandparents, my beloved dog, my first girlfriend and my first male love too. In fact, my first forays into romance all ended in tragedy of one sort or another. I shall endeavor to write about them briefly here with one stipulation. Don't be afraid to laugh, tragic as they were, they are still fucking bizarre....

1) My first girlfriend Sarah. She was 10, I was 11 and we were 'in love' Her mum introduced me to Bombay Mix and I still can't face Neapolitan Ice-Cream, after vomiting it up in her back garden one sunny day. She went on holiday with her parents and died of heart failure from a defect that until then had gone unnoticed. Even more tragically, this was whilst walking atop some cliffs and she fell over 100ft. Her parents then went on to become the first in the North East to adopt a Romanian baby.

2) My first male love Robert. I doubt he was gay to be honest, but we used to fumble with each other in French class. SUCH a brilliant guy, fun, clever and sporty with a real mischievous edge to him. Things had got to a head and I was invited round his house to play computer games (which I HOPED was a euphemism, even though I didn't know what the word meant at the time). I never got to go round his house as during a game of Golf with my Best friend/enemy at the time Matthew, he was struck on the head with a golf ball and killed.

3) My first long term Girlfriend C. Eventually also turned out gay, then straight again and now bisexual. We never really did anything and I think she secretly knew I was gay. It had to end when she told me she was possessed by the spirit of Janis Joplin and 'Janis' told me that C would kill herself if I didn't stay with her forever. Had SERIOUS issues, but is now sane, sorted and has a lovely daughter.

4) My first penetrative sex experience. S. Drunken flirting with an actor that eventually went on to star in the remake of Dire soap opera 'Crossroads' We were interrupted by his mate S who was jealous of the attention I was giving young actor and proceeded to fling himself at me. Some drunken fumbling led to me fucking him on my mates be. Afterwards he proceeded to run to the kitchen, grab a knife and try to slit his wrists.

SO, you see, not the nest start to a young mans sex life. For YEARS I was convinced I was cursed and refused to sleep with or get close to anyone. But my love of cock helped me get over that and I have realised that there cannot be any curse, or half of london's gay scene would be dead now.