Well what another terminally dull bank holiday weekend. Dr Dick is away again so no entertainment on that front, all my housemates have mysteriously vanished and the incessant rain is preventing me from going out unless my hair turns into a Jewfro again.

In a vain attempt to pamper myself to make me feel better I had a nice relaxing bubble bath. Relaxing in the sense that there were so many bubbles I could hide the unsightly form of my naked body under them and relax by banishing all thought of the gym or exercise out of my mind.

This weekend I have to perfect my disguise for an undercover mission I have been asked to undertake. A suit will be pressed, new shiny shoes bought and a respectable haircut and shave makeover put in place. No, I am not taking over from Daniel Craig as the new James Bond, but I will be venturing into a church for the first time in 20 years to become godfather (for the second time) to my friends new baby daughter Freya.

All I have to do it renounce the Devil (It's ok, we fell out years ago when he never returned my copy of Priscilla Queen of the Desert). The father says that is ok to mutter etc... under my breath when asked to teach the baby about Jesus too. Now all I have to do is hope that I haven't slept with the priest!