Friday, August 25, 2006

A Gaymosexual's Guide to Dating. Lesson 1

I suppose I have known you all long enough now to trust you with a few secrets of mine. A word of advice or a piece of helpful encouragement to all you guys and gals out there that want help and, naturally, come to me to get it. It's ok, don't be shy, we can treat this as a learning experience. You scratch my back and I will, well, do pretty much anything you want for a bag or marbles and a slice of cheese on toast.

I have decided to start a series of advice posts in this blog to share with you all my particular area of expertise....Dating. I consider myself something of an expert at dating, its something, like abusing prescription medication, that I have done enough of to have developed a certain knack for. I think it is only fair that I share this knowledge with YOU my pretties. Please use it well...

A Gaymosexual's Guide to Dating. Lesson 1

Ok, the first piece of advice I am going to share with you is something useful in the pick-up stage. That first meeting in a bar, theatre or park late at night that can signify the beginning of a beautiful relationship. It's a technique that has served me well over the past *mumble* years and one I now bequeath to you. It is called the 3 look rule and it goes something like this...

Stage 1.

Stage one of the 3 look rule is the easiest to implement and the most difficult to follow through on. It simply involves the making of eye contact with a chosen hunk and holding it for approximately 3 seconds. If the eye contact is reciprocated proceed to stage 2 and if not repeat stage 1 with another hunk of choice. It is important to remember not to make any kind of facial expression during stage one, other than the locking of eyes.

Stage 2.

After successful completion of stage one a short break must be undertaken of no less than 10 seconds and no more than 3 minutes for maximum effect. Consider your movements and body posture carefully during this break, if you are drinking an embarrassing alcopop, slide it surreptitiously across the table so that it appears that someone else is drinking it. Suck in your gut and casually arrange your hair/clothes to maximize your attractiveness. When ready re-establish eye contact with Mr Gorgeous and hold for approximately 5-10 seconds. During stage 2 you may allow a faint smile to appear round your mouth and a slight raising of one eyebrow is also permitted, but PLEASE make sure that both of these movements are very subtle indeed. Once this task is complete proceed to stage 3.

Stage 3.

This is the most important and delicate phase of the whole operation and must only be undertaken when you are satisfied that the first two stages are complete and the object of your affection is suitably intrigued. It is important that you are looking up at your subject, so unless you have hobbit heritage like myself it may be best to be seated during this exercise. If the subject of your lust is a midget or in a wheelchair then I would advise squatting casually by a wall as if rummaging though a bag. After a break of at least 1 minute and no more than 5 you must again make eye contact with your victim, remember you MUST be looking slightly UP at him for this to be failsafe. This time you must maintain eye-contact for as long as you see fit but just before you break away I want you to smile shyly at your future husband, briefly look down and quickly regain contact. Brighten that smile and look away again.

This is all you need to do now and I will guarantee that you have hooked your man. Do not make eye contact again with him until HE approaches you, which he now has no choice but to do. If you have followed all these procedures correctly and he has not come over you are permitted to go to the bar/toilet/bush and ever so gently brush past him, but this is generally unnecessary.

Good luck my lovelies and part 2 will come soon where I will impart some handy hints as to how to behave when you are actually ON a date, so that man just can't get enough of you. .

10 comments:

Lori said...

Brilliant. And transferable to hetero or lesbian affairs (or affairettes).

but, it begs the question: How long did it take you get such precise times locked down?

Gaymosexual said...

Oh too many years to mention!! Give it a go and let me know how it works for you...

czechOUT said...

do we get to ask for your advices, in which case you may well become agony aunt du jour

Gaymosexual said...

Well, that is potentially part of my upcoming secret project... Keep your eyes peeled...

She Devil In High Heels said...

I dont need tips! Just DO IT!

YarravillePaul said...

Great tips .... but are they universal. The steps sound familiar, and yet I am still alone (well, since last monday at least)

Gaymosexual said...

Absolutely! Try it out when you are next out. Maybe give it another week though, 1 week is not enough turn around time.

Good luck.

Jake said...

Hey homosexuals are GAY

Gaymosexual said...

They are indeed. They are indeed.

Mark said...

Marvelous. I shall indeed try it out. I think I might perhaps practice it first though, lest I mistakenly go cross-eyed or unknowing give a crazy old man expression. Perhaps I'll try it on a postman or an old lady before I attempt it on a real potentiate.