Monday, April 20, 2009

Ginko Biloba

I had THE most amazing voicemail on my work answering machine the other day. A woman from a school office telephoned to book theatre tickets and was obviously chatting and didn't hear the voicemail kick in so continued her conversation on my machine.

This is an ACTUAL transcript of the conversation that occured.

Woman 1) Doesn’t have to be for life does it?

Woman 2 ) I think I am also just thinking, which I think, I think brides do don’t they they always think about people in the past

Woman 1 ) Yep yep

Woman 2 ) So I think you know, in some respects people like James, hah, I could talk to him for hours I just don’t, well Will and I don’t talk for hours, never have done really.

Woman 1) But you didn’t want to Fuck Will, um James,

Woman 2) No that’s so true.

Woman 1) But you do want to Fuck Will?

Woman 2) Well I am not really up for sex, I am not bothered by it.

Woman 1) Aren’t you?

Woman 2) No, I completely lost my sex drive.

Woman 1) I’m gagging for it.

Woman 2) Just completely

Woman 1) Wonder why?

Woman 2) I don’t know.

Woman 1) Try taking Ginko Biloba. Gets your circulationm stimulates your bits

Woman 2) Lovely

Woman 1) Its really good for your heart and because it stimulates your circulation it makes your bits tingle.

Woman 2) Maybe that’s what I need to do.

Woman 1) I wonder why that is?

Woman 2) I Don’t know.

At which point there is a sharp intake of breath and the call ended.

She hasn't called back yet!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Shocking Behaviour.

I seem to have picked up a boyfriend from somewhere. I thought I was careful, I mean I took all the precautions and I swear I didn’t even drink that much. Still it happened, it just goes to show that there is no such thing as Emotiception and now too much time has gone by for me to take the morning after pill and I suppose I should just have to come to terms with the fact that he is going to be around for a while.

He IS utterly addictive though. 23yrs old, ex-bouncer, charming smile, shoulders you can throw a cow over (or me, same thing really), a body to die for and with the much appreciated ability to take the piss out of me whilst also accepting a tirade of sarcasm from myself. I could hardly say no now could I? Oh he also cooks. Mmmm food. So I put a sofa in my huge room, bought a big HD tv and barely left it for the past 2 weeks, with the odd gust of cold air as I sent him off to cook for me or I went for more wine. I know, it is disgusting isn’t it?

Talking of disgusting, MY godness the young are VIRILE! I have had to wash my curtains and I don’t usually do that until spring! I have also showered more in the past weekend than I usually do in a week. Being hairy has certain, um, disadvantages when it comes to particular bodily fluids and I can hardly call myself wipe-clean these days…

Oooh Christmas is coming up as well isn’t it? I know it is because X-Factor is over and this is the next big thing in the gay calendar… I shall be spending it alone again this year with various drop ins by friends and am thoroughly looking forward to it all. I am running low on baileys though so a trip to the local cash and carry may be in order. You all know I cant bear to eat my breakfast cereals without it!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Nervous Breakdance.

Phew, well again, what a long time since I last posted. I promise I have a good excuse though lovelies. As you might have been able to tell things were not going too well at the time of my last blog post and it ended up with me having a bit of a nervous breakdown (Sorry, my therapist says I need to call it a breakthrough). But you know what? It was probably one of the best things to have happened to me. It was like a big mental boil full of puss and poison that has now popped, spewing its vileness everywhere and has now healed leaving a little sexy scar on my psyche.

Um, I think I enjoyed that analogy WAY too much. Anywho the therapy was great, even though I always thought that kind of thing was nonsense before, it has helped me out with so many issues that I never knew I had and just thought were charming personality quirks. For instance I never knew it wasn't normal to make one night stands sleep on the couch. Also, apparently most people like to cuddle after sex? I always thought nature encouraged the grab your clothes and dress on the way to the door reflex, I thought it wa GENETIC dammit!

But yes, I feel a lot better now and more positive and motivated. So expect a few more blog posts, just after I finish this mojhito...

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Table Manners

Oh dear. Jenny The Bloggess has shamed me into posting by mentioning me in this entry on Good Mom/Bad Mom. I know I am useless but it has been a rough few months, a cousin was murdered and a dear friend has been in hospital with a life threatening illness and now I am on Jury Service.

Luckily I have learnt many things from these incidents. Mainly that Policemen, Doctors and Criminals are cuter than you think and that no matter how low life can get, nothing will distract me from my woes like a handsome guy. Or just a guy really. Or a butch Lesbian, they can be cute too for those first few moments before you realise that they are a lady. Even then, you know, sometimes, if it was dark and I had had a few appletini's. Who would know? Oh, you guys now apparently. SHHH! KEEP IT SECRET!

Anywho. Jenny would invite me to a fantasy dinner party huh? Here is a picture of me to give you an example of my table manners...

Things haven't improved much since then. Jenny, bless you dear I would be there like a shot. I make a mean Potato Salad and I promise not to touch anyone's husband unless I have written consent. Also, I will not make snarky comments on peoples dress sense (unless it is as a cutting aside that only you can hear) AND I have learnt now that adding absinthe to the punch isn't suitable for everybodys constitution. Also I get on great with kids, I know ALL the words to High School Musical and Enchanted. Um, that isn't something to be proud of is it? I can teach your little one how to vogue? I could bring traditional english food like Spotted Dick, Faggots in Gravy and Toad-In-The-Hole!!

Hello? Jenny? Why is your door locked and all your lights off? I can hear you in there? JENNNYYYY????

Monday, May 12, 2008

Boy for hire...

My good friend Lady B works for a recruitment consultant or some such in the city and was telling me that a large part of her job is re-writing other peoples resume’s to make them more appealing to employers. She offered to take a look at what I do in an average day* and turn it into a sure fire job attracting sound bite for my CV.

This is what we came up with…

Get to work late - Flexible

Check personal and work emails- Diligent/organised

Insult my boss - Good working relationships

Take a phone call, wrong number, call a friend for 20 mins to talk about last nights TV and bitch about other friends - management of incoming and outgoing correspondence.

Eat a banana, it’s not enough, get up and get a chocolate bar from the machine - proactive

Flirt with the French intern - good at building relationships

Play on the internet, check blogs, buy stuff online, sign into messenger - technologically minded - used to dealing with packages such as Word, Excel, Powerpoint and internal company systems.

LUNCH - conscientious

Check personal and work emails again. Ignore work emails. - good eye for details

Boss insults me. - able to deal with sensitive situations and information.

Eat a pear, spill juice on my shirt. Sneak out and buy a new t-shirt to wear out that evening. - good problem solving skills

Wander down the corridor to chat to my mates. - used to managing people
and third party relationships

Look at shirtless boys on the internet - good at researching and honing

Have a cup of tea - good at monitoring service standards

Sneak home early.... - excellent time management skills

I would SO hire me!

* I would like to point out that I DO actually do work and enjoy my job (Hello IT, I am on a break now I promise!)

Monday, March 24, 2008

Breasts and Lengths

I went swimming today friends! Yes indeed. This may not sound particularly special until you consider the fact that I have not stroked the breast since I was a teenager in more ways that one. Thats fifteen years ago since I was last in a public pool apart from a brief splash in Malaysia with an Australian footballer, but that time I was far more interested in a different type of length. *Ahem*

Speaking of Length, I actually managed one. A full length of the pool is something I could only ever dream of at school and I was still struggling to manage a width while all the other students were diving in the deep end fully clothed practicing rescue swimming. Bur now, NOW I can do it, yes my biceps hurt like blazes, but in a nice way. It was nice to achieve something in an exercise situation and makes me feel more positive about my gym orientation tomorrow.

I did have a brief moment of panic in the public locker room. Not so much the fact that there were 20 or so winkies flopping around near me (after all that is normal for a monday) but more the fact that I forgot that I have a fetching pink triangle tattooed on my buttock, a reminder of my arty days as a student. It practically says "I'm staring at your manhood" to anyone that notices it. I AM, but that is beside the point, I don't want anyone to assume. Ah well, who cares, maybe it will save the inevitable wondering about people sexuality as the gay ones will give me that knowing look and the straight ones will run away. Ah well, maybe this fitness thing will help me catch them!

I know I promised a love life update, but this was better for now. Sooon my pretties, soon...

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Down with FAGS!

Darlings! I am currently undergoing something of a reboot at the moment which I thought I would fill you in on. Not in an electronic sense but a physical one. After a worrying check up at the doctors I have been put on a diet and fitness regime to help sort out my heart and liver which are, to use the technical term, a bit fucked. No, I haven't been caning it or doing a Claire from Steps....

This is purely down to a damn finicky genetic thing (and OK a love of cake). SO anywho, I have shifted a stone so far, quit the fags for good, stopped drinking for a month and next week I shall join the gym.

I promise this is not going to turn into one of those tedious diet blogs, but I WILL fill you in on what goes on in the gym changing rooms and try and take pictures of fit city gents changing. I still have some vices after all.....

Anyway, I didn't want to mention anything on here in case it all went to pot but as I am a fair way into it now and showing no signs of cracking I thought I would tell you at last.

Oh and for my non brit readers Fags = cigarettes, I could never give up my gay man habit...

Next update: Love life....