Thursday, June 29, 2006

Carrying on the details of my Birthday week (HA the Queen only gets 2 Birthdays, I get a whole week!) Monday was coffee and cake on the south bank with work people, and Tuesday was a meal at Cafe Gallipole Again on Upper Ground, Islington. Cafe Gallipole Again is a WONDERFUL Turkish restaurant, recommended to my by Dame Aleasha Swiffer. The Dame herself came along, as well as Ruthless, Lisa and Paul, Emma the Beast, J and Robin and his new girlfriend who's name I couldn't be bothered to learn... I know that's awful of me, but I just can't bring myself to care. I am positive he just brought her along to try and spite Lisa who is now happy with Paul since Robin dumped her 2 years ago. Ah well, the meal was great and the company sublime. I even had the cute waiter slip his arm around me to wish me happy birthday!

Dame Aleasha Swiffer and Ruthless in her Dorothy Gale dress..

Wednesday was my surprise from Thing 2, the younger of my sibling housemates. I had NO idea what she had planned for me, thinking something along the lines of street theatre or paintball. I met her at 6pm at Eros in Picadilly Circus where she led me to a small street off Regent St to a place called The Absolut Ice Bar! She paid our entry (£12 each but including a free drink) and we were given hooded ponchos and led into the bar itself....

As you can see the place is absolutely unreal, everything is carved from ice, the walls, the bar, the tables and even the glasses you drink from.

Here is Thing 2 peering through the ice portal carved into one of the booths, nicely modeling her silver poncho. The place was absolutely freezing and a welcome respite from the heat outside, although I can't see people staying down there for too long. It is somewhere ideal to take someone out on an unusual date, kick starting the evening before you go for a meal...

There is even a small ice-cubby where one can stand and look distorted, this is also how I saw the world after my 'several shot' cinnamon vodka I was given upon entry. We stayed for around half and hour and then headed to Ed's Diner for Burger, fries and malted chocolate shake before we rolled home for the evening.

That's it for now guys, I must dash and get ready for my date with the sexy magazine editor this evening. You know, wash my parts and iron my pants and all that. Ciao!

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Holy shit I am 30! How did that happen? Surprisingly the world has not ended, I can still manage an erection and I have resisted the urge to buy a porche and sleep with my secretary. Not that I have a secretary you understand, it's a figure of speech. Sigh, say goodbye to the old me...

My week long celebration has started in fine form despite the Birthday phone call from my father who mentioned that he was my age when I was born and that "You could be just like Daddy if you found yourself the right woman and settled down..." Bless him, he still thinks that 15+ years of homosexual infamy is "just a phase".

Saturday evening I visited that bastion of bourgeois bum-banditry, Duckie where I met J, Ruthless and Twisty for the kick off of my 7 days of sin. We watched a dance troupe of senior citizens perform a piece clad entirely in towels and drank and danced away in gay abandon fully fed by the vegetarian Barbecue served up by Amy Lame. I also got to meet that fine hunk of manhood The Pirate King who you may remember interviewed me not a week ago. He is even more delightful in the flesh and has very nimble fingers.

Somehow I even managed to attract the attentions of a rather cute man in a white t-short who I am going out on a date with on Thursday. Ruthless spotted him looking at me before I did and so we did a brief walkpast for a better look and both agreed that he was indeed VFH (Very Fucking Hot), Bingo Kitty indeed. I then proceeded to forget about him as I chatted to my friends and drank more sugar based alcopops that one should really consume in a lifetime (or Newcastle). Upon leaving however he rushed up and asked for my number, no kiss, no conversation beforehand but an opportunity not wasted as we have texted since then and the date arranged. SO Birthday sex may not be completely off the cards yet. Watch this space...

Sunday I took Ms Marika Martini, J, Pan the Knacker and Liana to Leeds castle for the day where we managed to get hopelessly lost in this...

No, seriously I am not kidding we were stuck in that damn thing for about half an hour. Eventually the lady standing on the hill in the centre had to direct us out and all our illusions of being the Famous Five were dashed against the rocks. So instead we forget the lashings of ginger beer and ate a fabulous feast upon a mackintosh square, more photographs can be found at my FlickR account. Do feel free to look around.

More updates later in the week, my vodka hand is getting sore...

Friday, June 23, 2006

Only 2 and a bit days left until I am 30! Isn't it funny how everyone seems to ask "How are you feeling?" or "Nervous about the big day?". People seem determined to make more out of it than there is. It can't be any more traumatic than when I finally became to old for a young persons railcard can it? Surely not? Ok, where was I? Oh yes, Monday. I had a point to make I am sure of it, but what was it? Damn, I am so easily distracted.

That was it! PRESENTS. Hopefully the sympathy card will come into play here and people will buy me extra thoughtful presents in the vain hope of distracting me from impending retirement. Presents or cake. Come on, you know you want to see me happy....

"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

Mark Twain

Thursday, June 22, 2006

I took this photo of some beautiful flowers in our back garden....

Then I realised that was very gay. Very, VERY gay. So I tried to watch football, but Big Brother was on so I watched that instead. I LOVE Nikki. Obviously, I couldn't bear to be in the same room as her, but defended by the 'off' button on my remote I can safely watch her outbursts with glee. Surely there has never been a comic genious as wonderfully bonkers as her?!?!

Sunday, June 18, 2006

After his fascinating interview on his own blog The Coterie of Zombies I have in turn, been interviewed by The Pirate King ;p SO, here are his questions and my answers.....

Question 1: You're turning thirty soon. You say that this could be the motivator to get you fitter and happier, but your most recent post is a little maudlin, reflecting on your will (I am intestate, personally). My first question, then, is what are you doing now that you weren't doing at 20, and what do you hope to be doing when you hit 40?

Hmm I don't see the post as maudlin. I think I have a pretty healthy attitude to death, practical almost. For me, it's not something to look forward to, but not something to be frightened of either. Anyway, at 30 I am living in London, in an amazing house with some great friends. I am comfortable with who I am, whereas at 20 I was fairly self loathing. As a result of this I have a healthy sex life and social life I am very happy with. I am earning more money, yet paradoxically in more debt. Unfortunately I am in a better job that I enjoy less than the one I was doing at 20, but that is a situation that can be remedied once I pull my finger out of my (or someone else's) arse.

At 40, I hope to be a more motivated person. I want to have traveled more, experienced more and be more secure in my finances. I want to beat my streak of laziness out of myself, something I consider to be my greatest failing.

Question 2: Unwillingly, it sounds like, you've got a morbid fascination with death and sex. Freudian psychology would suggest that having lost early lovers or seen them end up on Crossroads (worse than death) would set you up with some strange tics around sex and attachment. Do you have anything you could illuminate on that front? Do those experiences shape your sexuality now?

I really do believe that. My fight or flight reaction when it comes to relationships is still set on flight. I find it very hard to form meaningful romantic relationships, but am also not really a one night stand kind of guy as a rule so things can indeed be difficult in this area. I suppose I fear people I love leaving me so distance myself as much as I can and generally don't get involved. Funnily enough, I am happy like this. I don't yearn for a boyfriend or to settle down, so even if it IS rooted in those experiences, it does not seem to affect me too much.

Question 3: Like me, it sounds like you can't sleep as much as you would like to. What do you find helps you to settle, other than gay cowboy movies? Why do you think you can't sleep?

My sleep problems are a side effect of my heart medication. Unfortunately the drugs I am on are the only ones that control my condition (after years of trying alternatives) so this is something I have to live with until new drugs come out. It is now such a firmly rooted part of my life that it hardly even causes me inconvenience.

My way of dealing with it is a glass of warm milk with a dash of whiskey, a cool room and a chapter of a good book. Oh, and no man in my bed to poke/prod me and steal all the covers.

Question 4: You live in Peckham, an area of London that has quite a dodgy reputation - even if you're in the posh end, is it deserved? Is it the place you'd choose to live? If so, what appeals about the area, and do you see much that re-affirms the negative stereotypes people have about the area?

No, it is absolutely not deserved. I lived in Peckham proper for 4 years and never had a problem. I felt safer walking the street there at night than almost anywhere else I have lived. There is a real sense of community where I am now, almost a village feel to the place. I shop at the local butcher, fishmonger and grocer. I know the people in the shops and stop and chat, my neighbor's are friendly and helpful and people say 'good morning' as they pass you on the street. I can't see myself moving from this area for quite some time now, I would even consider buying here if I decided to go down that route.

Question 5: Your blog moves across quite a few different subject areas - sex, movies, jokes and the like. What is it you hope people get out of reading your blog? Oh, and as a follow-up cheeky extra question, you say you're a frustrated writer - what are you doing about that, other than blogging?

Hmm, difficult question. I have 2 blogs, one a more personal one and this one. I guess I intended this blog to be a bit more entertaining than my day-to-day one. Slightly wittier and written in style more for other people than for me. The honest answer is that this blog is written for attention and it is still in its early days of experimenting styles to find out how I can entertain better and gain more attention.

Is that not the reason most blogs, whatever the subject or style, are created for? Sure, it can be cathartic, it can be therapeutic, it can be a way of making your opinions matter. But at the end of the day, we all want to be liked. Or at lest to be noticed....

As for your cheeky question, I am working on a book at the moment and am also toying with an idea for a play. I have had 2 plays staged so far, both to reasonable success, but the book is where my passions lie at the moment and these things take a lot of time and research to do justice to, so people won't hear much of it on here unless it gets published. Then, of course, I shall brag about it until I am blue in the face ;P

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

I sorted out my will today. Funny thing for a 29yr old in relative good health to do I know, but still, it had to be done. I have an odd relationship with death, it is something I don't fear at all and in my typical Northern way am actually very practical about the whole thing. My parents and I sat down a few years ago and all talked about funeral arrangements, each stipulating what we want done. I even went so far as to find a place near Ripon that I want to be buried in, a nature reserve in fact.

One of the things that has led me to this, apart from my heart condition, is the fact that I have faced so much death already in my life that it holds few mysteries for me now. All 4 grandparents, my beloved dog, my first girlfriend and my first male love too. In fact, my first forays into romance all ended in tragedy of one sort or another. I shall endeavor to write about them briefly here with one stipulation. Don't be afraid to laugh, tragic as they were, they are still fucking bizarre....

1) My first girlfriend Sarah. She was 10, I was 11 and we were 'in love' Her mum introduced me to Bombay Mix and I still can't face Neapolitan Ice-Cream, after vomiting it up in her back garden one sunny day. She went on holiday with her parents and died of heart failure from a defect that until then had gone unnoticed. Even more tragically, this was whilst walking atop some cliffs and she fell over 100ft. Her parents then went on to become the first in the North East to adopt a Romanian baby.

2) My first male love Robert. I doubt he was gay to be honest, but we used to fumble with each other in French class. SUCH a brilliant guy, fun, clever and sporty with a real mischievous edge to him. Things had got to a head and I was invited round his house to play computer games (which I HOPED was a euphemism, even though I didn't know what the word meant at the time). I never got to go round his house as during a game of Golf with my Best friend/enemy at the time Matthew, he was struck on the head with a golf ball and killed.

3) My first long term Girlfriend C. Eventually also turned out gay, then straight again and now bisexual. We never really did anything and I think she secretly knew I was gay. It had to end when she told me she was possessed by the spirit of Janis Joplin and 'Janis' told me that C would kill herself if I didn't stay with her forever. Had SERIOUS issues, but is now sane, sorted and has a lovely daughter.

4) My first penetrative sex experience. S. Drunken flirting with an actor that eventually went on to star in the remake of Dire soap opera 'Crossroads' We were interrupted by his mate S who was jealous of the attention I was giving young actor and proceeded to fling himself at me. Some drunken fumbling led to me fucking him on my mates be. Afterwards he proceeded to run to the kitchen, grab a knife and try to slit his wrists.

SO, you see, not the nest start to a young mans sex life. For YEARS I was convinced I was cursed and refused to sleep with or get close to anyone. But my love of cock helped me get over that and I have realised that there cannot be any curse, or half of london's gay scene would be dead now.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Now, growing up and aging physically can be traumatic for the best of us. As I struggle through the final few weeks of my twenties I think back over some of the more traumatic life changes I went through to get here. Puberty, Coming out, moving to London, Steps splitting up, all painful and yet necessary steps towards becoming an adult.

Now, all of you, my darling readers will go through similar changes, so I scoured the web for you and came up with this work safe, but sometimes disturbing video to help you through those changes....

Click here

I know what I prefer to use MY opening between my legs for.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Well I must say I feel rather smug about myself today. I negated the sins of watching big brother by watching it from the comfort of 'Thing One's' new rowing machine. You can always count on a lady gardener to have the latest in sporting equipment lying around the house for a fattening fag to purloin on occasion. See, it's not all putting up shelves, making ice-cram and owning cats with our lesbionic sisters. No sir! I swear I can feel that six pack inside me screaming for release (It's saying "Let me OUT man, I haven't seen daylight in nigh on twenty years")

This is all part of my "Turning 30 in 24 days plan" and where I write plan, you should read "Nervous Breakdown". After yon birthday the cigarettes are gone, the diet is started and swimming and Yoga will be added to the rowing machine in my exercise repertoire. You see, I figure if I fill my life with these things, I can look other gays in the eye, clasp their arms heartily and say "Yes, brother. NOW I know what you go through, let us be carnal together"

No, seriously these are things I have wanted to do for a while with only half hearted attempts. These are things I SHOULD do and turning 30 can be the spur I need to do it and therefore turn aging into a positive process.

Needless to say, the week of my birthday I am going to drink, smoke and shag like a trooper and eat my bodyweight in cheese and chocolate spread. Ah my friends, I will miss you...