Gaymosexual

Ginko Biloba

2009-04-20T16:05:00.005+01:00

I had THE most amazing voicemail on my work answering machine the other day. A woman from a school office telephoned to book theatre tickets and was obviously chatting and didn't hear the voicemail kick in so continued her conversation on my machine.

This is an ACTUAL transcript of the conversation that occured.

Woman 1) Doesn’t have to be for life does it?

Woman 2 ) I think I am also just thinking, which I think, I think brides do don’t they they always think about people in the past

Woman 1 ) Yep yep

Woman 2 ) So I think you know, in some respects people like James, hah, I could talk to him for hours I just don’t, well Will and I don’t talk for hours, never have done really.

Woman 1) But you didn’t want to Fuck Will, um James,

Woman 2) No that’s so true.

Woman 1) But you do want to Fuck Will?

Woman 2) Well I am not really up for sex, I am not bothered by it.

Woman 1) Aren’t you?

Woman 2) No, I completely lost my sex drive.

Woman 1) I’m gagging for it.

Woman 2) Just completely

Woman 1) Wonder why?

Woman 2) I don’t know.

Woman 1) Try taking Ginko Biloba. Gets your circulationm stimulates your bits

Woman 2) Lovely

Woman 1) Its really good for your heart and because it stimulates your circulation it makes your bits tingle.

Woman 2) Maybe that’s what I need to do.

Woman 1) I wonder why that is?

Woman 2) I Don’t know.

At which point there is a sharp intake of breath and the call ended.

She hasn't called back yet!

Shocking Behaviour.

2008-12-16T15:50:00.001Z

I seem to have picked up a boyfriend from somewhere. I thought I was careful, I mean I took all the precautions and I swear I didn’t even drink that much. Still it happened, it just goes to show that there is no such thing as Emotiception and now too much time has gone by for me to take the morning after pill and I suppose I should just have to come to terms with the fact that he is going to be around for a while.

He IS utterly addictive though. 23yrs old, ex-bouncer, charming smile, shoulders you can throw a cow over (or me, same thing really), a body to die for and with the much appreciated ability to take the piss out of me whilst also accepting a tirade of sarcasm from myself. I could hardly say no now could I? Oh he also cooks. Mmmm food. So I put a sofa in my huge room, bought a big HD tv and barely left it for the past 2 weeks, with the odd gust of cold air as I sent him off to cook for me or I went for more wine. I know, it is disgusting isn’t it?

Talking of disgusting, MY godness the young are VIRILE! I have had to wash my curtains and I don’t usually do that until spring! I have also showered more in the past weekend than I usually do in a week. Being hairy has certain, um, disadvantages when it comes to particular bodily fluids and I can hardly call myself wipe-clean these days…

Oooh Christmas is coming up as well isn’t it? I know it is because X-Factor is over and this is the next big thing in the gay calendar… I shall be spending it alone again this year with various drop ins by friends and am thoroughly looking forward to it all. I am running low on baileys though so a trip to the local cash and carry may be in order. You all know I cant bear to eat my breakfast cereals without it!

Nervous Breakdance.

2008-11-23T13:10:00.003Z

Phew, well again, what a long time since I last posted. I promise I have a good excuse though lovelies. As you might have been able to tell things were not going too well at the time of my last blog post and it ended up with me having a bit of a nervous breakdown (Sorry, my therapist says I need to call it a breakthrough). But you know what? It was probably one of the best things to have happened to me. It was like a big mental boil full of puss and poison that has now popped, spewing its vileness everywhere and has now healed leaving a little sexy scar on my psyche.

Um, I think I enjoyed that analogy WAY too much. Anywho the therapy was great, even though I always thought that kind of thing was nonsense before, it has helped me out with so many issues that I never knew I had and just thought were charming personality quirks. For instance I never knew it wasn't normal to make one night stands sleep on the couch. Also, apparently most people like to cuddle after sex? I always thought nature encouraged the grab your clothes and dress on the way to the door reflex, I thought it wa GENETIC dammit!

But yes, I feel a lot better now and more positive and motivated. So expect a few more blog posts, just after I finish this mojhito...

Table Manners

2008-08-21T22:30:00.003+01:00

Oh dear. Jenny The Bloggess has shamed me into posting by mentioning me in this entry on Good Mom/Bad Mom. I know I am useless but it has been a rough few months, a cousin was murdered and a dear friend has been in hospital with a life threatening illness and now I am on Jury Service.

Luckily I have learnt many things from these incidents. Mainly that Policemen, Doctors and Criminals are cuter than you think and that no matter how low life can get, nothing will distract me from my woes like a handsome guy. Or just a guy really. Or a butch Lesbian, they can be cute too for those first few moments before you realise that they are a lady. Even then, you know, sometimes, if it was dark and I had had a few appletini's. Who would know? Oh, you guys now apparently. SHHH! KEEP IT SECRET!

Anywho. Jenny would invite me to a fantasy dinner party huh? Here is a picture of me to give you an example of my table manners...

Things haven't improved much since then. Jenny, bless you dear I would be there like a shot. I make a mean Potato Salad and I promise not to touch anyone's husband unless I have written consent. Also, I will not make snarky comments on peoples dress sense (unless it is as a cutting aside that only you can hear) AND I have learnt now that adding absinthe to the punch isn't suitable for everybodys constitution. Also I get on great with kids, I know ALL the words to High School Musical and Enchanted. Um, that isn't something to be proud of is it? I can teach your little one how to vogue? I could bring traditional english food like Spotted Dick, Faggots in Gravy and Toad-In-The-Hole!!

Hello? Jenny? Why is your door locked and all your lights off? I can hear you in there? JENNNYYYY????

Boy for hire...

2008-05-12T17:28:00.003+01:00

My good friend Lady B works for a recruitment consultant or some such in the city and was telling me that a large part of her job is re-writing other peoples resume’s to make them more appealing to employers. She offered to take a look at what I do in an average day* and turn it into a sure fire job attracting sound bite for my CV.

This is what we came up with…

Get to work late - Flexible

Check personal and work emails- Diligent/organised

Insult my boss - Good working relationships

Take a phone call, wrong number, call a friend for 20 mins to talk about last nights TV and bitch about other friends - management of incoming and outgoing correspondence.

Eat a banana, it’s not enough, get up and get a chocolate bar from the machine - proactive

Flirt with the French intern - good at building relationships

Play on the internet, check blogs, buy stuff online, sign into messenger - technologically minded - used to dealing with packages such as Word, Excel, Powerpoint and internal company systems.

LUNCH - conscientious

Check personal and work emails again. Ignore work emails. - good eye for details

Boss insults me. - able to deal with sensitive situations and information.

Eat a pear, spill juice on my shirt. Sneak out and buy a new t-shirt to wear out that evening. - good problem solving skills

Wander down the corridor to chat to my mates. - used to managing people
and third party relationships

Look at shirtless boys on the internet - good at researching and honing
skills

Have a cup of tea - good at monitoring service standards

Sneak home early.... - excellent time management skills

I would SO hire me!

* I would like to point out that I DO actually do work and enjoy my job (Hello IT, I am on a break now I promise!)

Breasts and Lengths

2008-03-24T21:52:00.006Z

I went swimming today friends! Yes indeed. This may not sound particularly special until you consider the fact that I have not stroked the breast since I was a teenager in more ways that one. Thats fifteen years ago since I was last in a public pool apart from a brief splash in Malaysia with an Australian footballer, but that time I was far more interested in a different type of length. *Ahem*

Speaking of Length, I actually managed one. A full length of the pool is something I could only ever dream of at school and I was still struggling to manage a width while all the other students were diving in the deep end fully clothed practicing rescue swimming. Bur now, NOW I can do it, yes my biceps hurt like blazes, but in a nice way. It was nice to achieve something in an exercise situation and makes me feel more positive about my gym orientation tomorrow.

I did have a brief moment of panic in the public locker room. Not so much the fact that there were 20 or so winkies flopping around near me (after all that is normal for a monday) but more the fact that I forgot that I have a fetching pink triangle tattooed on my buttock, a reminder of my arty days as a student. It practically says "I'm staring at your manhood" to anyone that notices it. I AM, but that is beside the point, I don't want anyone to assume. Ah well, who cares, maybe it will save the inevitable wondering about people sexuality as the gay ones will give me that knowing look and the straight ones will run away. Ah well, maybe this fitness thing will help me catch them!

I know I promised a love life update, but this was better for now. Sooon my pretties, soon...

Down with FAGS!

2008-03-16T17:01:00.003Z

Darlings! I am currently undergoing something of a reboot at the moment which I thought I would fill you in on. Not in an electronic sense but a physical one. After a worrying check up at the doctors I have been put on a diet and fitness regime to help sort out my heart and liver which are, to use the technical term, a bit fucked. No, I haven't been caning it or doing a Claire from Steps....

This is purely down to a damn finicky genetic thing (and OK a love of cake). SO anywho, I have shifted a stone so far, quit the fags for good, stopped drinking for a month and next week I shall join the gym.

I promise this is not going to turn into one of those tedious diet blogs, but I WILL fill you in on what goes on in the gym changing rooms and try and take pictures of fit city gents changing. I still have some vices after all.....

Anyway, I didn't want to mention anything on here in case it all went to pot but as I am a fair way into it now and showing no signs of cracking I thought I would tell you at last.

Oh and for my non brit readers Fags = cigarettes, I could never give up my gay man habit...

Next update: Love life....

STOP THE PRESSES!!!!!

2008-01-22T00:46:00.001Z

How in the hell did they manage to release Bring it on 4 without me noticing? I should have had letter, a personal visit from the stars or at the very least a phone call from the director?!? It even has Sharpay from High School Musical in it! Can life GET any better?

I truly have descended into the very depths of gayness haven't I? There is no hope whatsoever for me now.

Remember Mekons?

2008-01-09T20:02:00.001Z

Oh I know showing baby photos is ever so twee but I had a trip down memory lane when I went to my parents for New Year. Well, to be honest it was spend my time in the attic looking through old boxes or spend time with them taking about funerals and hip replacements. Memory lane it was then.

I know this may not be the photo of me in uniform that some of you pervs were hoping for (At least I hope not) but I think it has a certain charm to it. But that is me in official British Army baby clothes on a base in Germany in the 70's . Not that the decade isn't obvious from the curtains or bib of course!

However the curtains and bib are FAR less embarrassing than the photo below which shows one of my many hair styling mistakes, this one from the mid nineties...

Yes indeed that is BIG hair there ladies and gentlemen! It is a shame I have no photographs from the days I sported a side spike. I do feel the need to point out that the wallpaper behind me in it's many and varied styles is not in my parents house but at a wedding reception. The stuff on my parents walls is MUCH worse....

2007-11-30T20:49:00.000Z

Oh my, I have been awful haven't I! 6 whole months? I promise not to allow this to happen again. Dr Dick has been pestering me to update for ages and as he may one day my have my life in his hands I thought it was the wisest option. I am less worried about the threatening emails to update from Dame Vanessa and her American Cohort as I have the Atlantic between us and the Dollar is so weak it couldn't buy Amy Winehouse some dignity never mind a plane ticket.

I am still drifting aimlessly through life although I was promoted at work which has allowed less time for such frivolities as the internet, socialising and getting up to go to the toilet. Ah well, at least nobody sees the wet patch beneath my swanky new desk. Apart from that there is little news. My BFF and her hunky Husband are moving to Cambridge in a week or two so I shall be able to spend a lot more time with them, indeed a festive menage a trois of sorts is planned for Christmas. She said that I am going to "Do the potatoes and the pudding" I have no idea what that means but it sounds exciting. She is a lady but her husband has a huge penis so I am sure I will not notice her there.

So, anyway. I truly am sorry I have neglected you like Britney did her kids, I promise to try and win custody back! But why not take this break as a nice opportunity to ask YOU a few questions? What do you want to see more of from me? Should the blog stay the same? What would you like more of? Would you like the odd guest blogger now and again? If anyone says more flesh they can forget it unless they buy me a drink first....

2007-05-08T01:38:00.000+01:00

The ever wonderful Erin over at Lylium.org has taken this wonderful photo of her friend Teal dressed as Princess Leia. Now, believe it or not that R2D2 is actually a post box! I do love our iconic red pillarboxes we have over here, but sometimes I wish we could do something as cool as this.

Check out the blog entry "Damsel in Distress" as well as the rest of Erin's fabulous blog. It is completely different to mine, but she is a funny, cool person and she takes some amazing photographs. The picture has spread across the net like wildfire and now she and Teal are hoping to use it to help raise some money for Teal's Scholarship Fund in an effort to secure her the place she gained at Cambridge.

I know this isn't a bitchy, witty entry but sometimes you just have to give a girl her due and say wow. The fact that she is a foxy redhead certainly helps, us gays love our fiery haired minxes.

2007-05-04T01:38:00.000+01:00

So, recent reports reveal that Keira Knightley has decided to give up acting. Personally, I am not sure she ever began. But hey, who am I to questions good news.

I have nothing against her personally, except the fact that she seems a little self-inflated (ego wise, I could hardly be talking about anything else in her case) and the fact that she seems to have achieved her movie roles purely on the premise that she is skinny and vaguely attractive. That's Hollywood I guess.

A friend of mine saw her in some dire period piece and reported that she was so wooden on screen that it was like watching an ironing board in a frock. So basically she is flat as a pancake and stands in the corner and is hardly used. Bah.

It annoys me that there are so many talented actors in our country and the only ones that seem to get work abroad are the dull, skinny pretty ones and the truly talented ones have to wait until middle age whereupon they will get a slew of 'character' roles and then inevitably play some royal in an oscar grabbing portrayal. Don't get me wrong I ADORE La Dench and Dame Helen, but even they get pigeon-holed so much of the time and rarely REALLY get to use their formidable acting skills unless it is on stage (and anyone who has seen them treading the boards will know what I mean).

I know it is almost anathema for me to say it, but are some things more important that having a fabulous Oscar dress and wearing it well. Oh man, that sentence actually hurt to type. Am I a bad gay man to want some talent to go along with my glamour? Is that SO wrong?

Of course I couldn't give a fig about the men as long as they are pretty and spend a good deal of the film shirtless. This is why I may be one of the few people on the planet that is looking forward to Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. Sure, the trailers look good, but I can't quite wash the stink of the first film from my brain yet. What it DOES have going for it is the hope that Chris Evans (Below) will spend a good portion of the film burning his clothes off again.

Marry me Christopher. sigh

2007-04-18T02:09:00.000+01:00

I just received a lovely email from Richard in Canada (that is not him in the pic, that's Jordan and Peter Andre) who reads my blog with his husband and two dogs and it got me to thinking on the topic of Gay Marriage. Several of my friends have got married over this last year and it seems to be a wonderful thing for them, even though I know it is not for me. I think it is great that people in stable, loving relationships now have that extra level of security and (shudder) commitment that only brings them closer together and, I think, gives them that next level that can often stabilize a relationship and help it last.

But BY god I thought that having lots of gay friends would mean that I wouldn't have to spend a good part of my post 30 years shelling out for wedding presents, how wrong I was. It is not just any wedding presents either, with gays it is wedding LISTS! Wedding lists from places like John Lewis, Harrods and Fortnum and Masons. That old adage of gays having taste is only partly true, gays have expensive taste. Now, I want you to stretch your imaginations here and envision the possibility that I would ever want to settle down (This is obviously after they legalise 3 day marriages and multi-partner relationships) my wedding list would more than likely be at a place like the local comic shop, a choclatiers and somewhere that sold porn.

I am a man of simple tastes. I like my men simple and I like my life simple, unless the complications are dramatic and I can go on and on about it to anyone who will listen of course.
I would probably have the ceremony in a park, wearing jeans and a t-shirt and the reception at a nearby bar. Instead of spending money on cards and dressing up nicely, everyone can buy me a drink. Presents of course would be mandatory but given my choices of shop, also pretty cheap.

No, sorry, I can't go on. That's what I would like to do, but in reality I would bankrupt myself to have some kind of spectacular ceremony just so I can rub people's faces in my happiness and then spend the next ten years forcing the photo's of the event upon anyone that came calling. After all, isn't that the whole reason for marriage?

2007-03-31T13:32:00.000+01:00

Pinkies

Thing 1 and I coined a new word today.

It is a habit of the press in the UK to coin acronyms for different social classes, I am not sure how widespread this habit is, or whether is is just a British thing but in the past few decades we had YUPPIES (Young Urban Professional), YUMMY (Young Upwardly Mobile Mum) and then DINKIES (Double Income No Kids). Now I am surprised nobody has come up with this before, but after some thorough research (5 minutes on google) we decided that we were the first people to use the word PINKIE in reference to outr neighbours. Not because they are some kind of communist household, but rather that they are a well established gay couple with a decent income and their own house. PINKIE stands for Pink Income No Kids.

We hear a lot of tales in the gay community of how strong the Pink Pound is and how lucrative a target market we are and I think it is true. I mean seriously, did they really think it was kids that kept Steps at the top of the charts for so long? Would Dolly Parton have been wealthy enough to build the kingdom of camp that is Dollywood if not for those Cowboys in rhinestones that *ahem* admire Tom of Finland so much? And KD Lang's Ingenue album certainly did not chart so high through her dress sense.

Our Gaybours (also a new word copyright Thing 1 and Gaymo) are constantly upgrading their house. Almost each month there is a new bathroom being added or a new super wide, flatscreen tv appearing in another room/hall/toilet/cupboard. It is quite heartwarming to think that whilst our wonderful heterosexual brothers and sisters often do not get to spend their money on themselves until the kids have been thrown into the real world by the scruff of their necks, we only have ourselves and occasional cats and dogs to spend out hard earned money on.

Of course I am certainly not there yet, still being a hedonistic singleton who spends his hard earned cash on Pink Converse and impressing boys. Thankfully, here is where the gaycosystem REALLY starts to work. What do those PINKIES do with all the 6 month old electronics, furniture, gadgets and porn that is now so horrendously out of date? Why they donate it to us younger, less upwardly mobile (more horizontally stationary) homos!! This is why our living room sports two newish trendy sofas and a fabulous new Television. It is Nurture over nature at its best.

Thing 1 has just informed me that PINKIES should really be reserved for gay men, our sapphic sisters apparently should henceforth be referred to as LICKERS (Lesbian Income, Cat, Kids, Exes, Renovations, Strap-ons)

Go forth my minons and work hard to ensure that these are in the Oxford English Dictionary as soon as possible. Fly my pretties, FLY!

2007-03-28T16:48:00.000+01:00

Oh my god I have been SO utterly bored. I would have updated my blog in the last three weeks, but sadly I have been off work with a slipped disc, so the most interesting thing I have seen is the four walls of my (admittedly fabulous) remarkably tidy room.

Before I get a flood of comments asking whether I did it during some kinky sex games, the answer is sadly not. It was even gayer that that. I was happily ensconced at my desk at work when a colleague decided it would be funny to poke me in the ribs. Now, as with everything I do, when I jump I go the whole hog and I must have levitated about six inches from my chair and twisted my spine in an awkward manner. So yes, it did involve another gay, six inches and poking, but alas not in the fun way.

Now I wont bore you with details of the pain involved in a slipped disc, but what I do want to say is how utterly FABULOUS the drugs they give you are. I have been on a cocktail of strong painkillers, anti-inflammatory pills and muscle relaxants (which just happen to be the divine Diazepam). Now, I don't know what my housemates found funniest, the sight of me hobbling around or the fact that I had less of an attentions span than a homosexual with Freddie Ljungberg on one side of the road and Kylie on the other. Simple anecdotes would take an age to finish as I wondered off on various tangents that had little to do with the original subject matter...

So you see, that is why I waited until I was off the bulk of the pills before creating a blog entry and only have a picture of my recent New York trip to illustrate it with. Other wise you would have had 1000 words talking about how great daytime tv is and what I would have worn to the oscars, but also did you know what I had for dinner and isn't Daniel Radcliffe HOT these days (out of my mind you see).

So, back to regular broadcast schedule with a more coherent, more focused...

Oh look, America's Next Top Model is on, must dash....

2007-03-02T00:38:00.000Z

I spotted this little chap on my way to work and It got me thinking...Is life so stressful in London that it even forces the pigeons to turn to alcohol and cigarettes? It has been a funny few weeks and today kind of capped it for me, my day was dull and little difficult and ended with me saying farewell to a lovely girl who is emigrating and I shall miss terribly, but two of my close friends had absolutely awful evenings, one unfortunate and one positively appalling. I wont go into detail about either as they are rather personal and I am not one to divulge personal details of friends lives unless there is some comic value in the retelling, but both of these were linked in some way, I believe, to city living. Being a part of that huge, anonymous, gray urban sprawl.

In a way it has been a bit of a kick in the pants for me. I realised that for the past few months I have been coasting along letting life happen to me, Just sitting back and sinking into that amorphous mass that is the inhabitants of any city in the world. Where has my drive gone? My enthusiasm and creativity? I haven't been unhappy per se, but I HAVE been incredibly passive (and SO not in the good way dammit) falling into a routine that was comfortable but static.

I think that I need to really work on getting myself out of this rut I have made for myself (mmm rut) and start concentrating on moving my life forward again. I will focus more on my writing, spend some time looking for another job and maybe do a course in something or other. I have been toying with the idea of expanding my practical skills in some way and maybe Project Runway/Catwalk will inspire me to do fashion design. Something I toyed with at college but never really threw myself into. Who knows what the future will hold if only I put my mind to it. It is about time I stopped advising other people and listened to what I am saying myself.

Wish me luck and pour me an Apple Martini, I may be home late tonight...

2007-01-08T22:23:00.000Z

It's interesting how one is sometimes forced to re examine priorities in life. I have always said how I don't WANT a relationship and I am happy on my own but recently I have discovered that is wrong. I DO want a boyfriend, it's just that I don't think I would be very good at keeping one. It's similar to my unfulfilled childhood ambition of being an Astronaut. I know I would love to do it, I can imagine myself at launch pad, taking off and floating weightless inside the space station but at the same time I am fully aware that I don't have the dedication, intelligence or physicality to actually do the job. The same thing is true of a monogamous relationship. I know the idea appeals to me, but I just don't think I am wired that way. Ah well ces't la vie.

Oh and in a hilarious attempt at misdirection to try and stop you all asking why I haven't posted in months here is a picture of me in 1940'2 army uniform complete with REAL moustache for my works Christmas Party. Enjoy...

2006-11-03T14:02:00.000Z

Ahh, I love the onset of Winter, really I do. There is something so fresh and clean about it, that crisp, clear tang in the air. The turning on of the heating so that you feel toasty inside and exhilerated when outside. I always think of the onset of Winter as a clean slate, the promise of snow coming to make everything white and fresh and new.

This last week has been very good for me indeed. I am over my heartbreak enough to get on with things and genuinely wish the two guys well together. I have met so many great men over the last few weeks in my dating overload and even managed to reconnect with the Sexy Dr Dick that some of you may remember from earlier this year. Although he is now in a relationship so incredible sexual tension aside it will all stay strictly above the waist....

So yes. The weight is continuing to fall off, I lost a full half a stone last week and people keep commenting how good I look. Of course this makes me feel super confident and hence the high success rate on my recent dates. Mmmmmmm dates. Oh and come monday it will be a whole month since I quit smoking! Go team Gaymo, bring on the male cheerleaders....

2006-10-21T16:22:00.001+01:00

This week was a particularly fruitful one. I lost 4lbs (total lost so far 11) and it is now 2 weeks since I was a smoker. If you could see through this computer screen, you would see what I like to call, my smug face. It's a face I enjoy using I should really take a picture soon...

My mother has also been inspired by me to start a diet too, I wish her the best of luck, but I worry about some of the funny ideas she seems to have about calorie control. Here are some of my mothers beliefs about calories....

1) If it is stolen from someone else's plate, the calories do not count.

2) If it is eaten whilst cooking, the calories do not count.

3) If you leave a forkful of food on a plate, then you have consumed only half the calories originally on that plate.

4) Free food is free from calories.

5) Chocolate consumed whilst walking to the shops contains no calories at all.

6) Being drunk burns off calories and therefore negates any that were in the alcohol.

Ah well, it could be worse, my father doesn't even believe calories exist. All 26 stone of him.

In the meantime people have started to notice my weight loss and this has helped make me less attractive by the broadening of the smug face. Funnily enough I seem to be a bit swamped by boys at the moment too, but I think that is a whole other entry in itself (fnar) ........

2006-10-17T02:06:00.000+01:00

I have not been blogging for long enough, or regular enough for this to be something I would get nominated in, but check out the Gay Bloggies Awards and think of me or my dear friends The Pirate King and Glitterforbrains.

Of course, if you did vote for me in any of the categories, I would love you forever!

2006-10-13T01:40:00.000+01:00

So, it is day 4 of GaymosexualXP. That is 4 days of not smoking (WOO-YAY), 4 days of dieting and 4 days of exercise. Unfortunately, it is 1 day of dirty, stinking, rotten cold which left me with 1/2 hrs sleep last night and all the energy of a dissected frog and a slight fever.

Now, I don't know whether it was fever, nicotine withdrawal or hunger related psychosis, but at 10pm this evening I decided it would be a good idea to go for a jog. I haven't jogged since I was 13. That was in the eighties. To further complicate the matter, I decided on a gentle 10 minute jog to start me off, but got horrendously lost and 35 minutes later wheezed myself back into the house and shower and collapsed upon the bed. I may wait until the cold has gone before attempting this again and stick to my trusty rowing machine where I can work-out to the sensual encouragement of America's Next Top Model.

But yes, apart from the cold I am doing surprisingly well. My calorie intake today was 1250 and I don't feel hungry, I am not craving ciggies and my MA remains P.

2006-09-29T05:25:00.001+01:00

Insomnia is a bitch isn't it? When it reaches 5:16 am and one is still wide awake and having got up again after a pointless 4 hours of lying abed trying to sleep is it proper practice to simply write the night off and get on with your day? Is a few hours of bad sleep better than no sleep at all? Or is it like jet-lag and should you push through in the hope of a better nights sleep the next evening? Will I be able to flirt effectively at the important party I am due to attend in 15 hours?

So many questions and yet, so much time on my hands!

2006-09-08T14:57:00.000+01:00

Recently I have found a distinct lack of awareness amongst my fellow homosexuals on a particularly important matter. To remedy this, I have decided to bring to your attention some information on this topic.

Ahem.

Bring it on has a sequel.
It is called Bring it on Again.

This sequel has now spurned a further film entitled Bring it on Again:All or Nothing

Thankyou for your time.

2006-09-05T02:02:00.000+01:00

A Gaymosexual's Guide to Dating. Lesson 2

Ok, this it a brief section on tips and tricks for that phase in between the first meeting and the first date. You have ordered your food, so to speak, and this lesson is the breadsticks and olives you nibble on before the meal.

1) This is especially for my friend Miss CASSt. Never EVER state how you feel towards someone in a text message, an email or most importantly a letter. Flirting is fine, casual questions and arrangements are fine, information and banter is fine. But I cannot stress enough how much of a misjudgment it is to even write an innocuous statement such as "I really like you". One can never gauge the tone of a written statement accurately, no matter how well you write it, also, you never know the mood of that person when they receive it and this can change their perception of it hugely. SO NO, Put that pen DOWN girl.

2) Seed your communications with interesting facts about yourself, but never elaborate too much. For example "It was SO busy at work today, its a good job I used to dance or I would NEVER have made it through the crowds" When he asks, "what dance did you do?" Or "You must be flexible then?" you did, say "Oh, I will tell you all about it when I see you, it's too much to go into now"

Obviously, you can put any activity or hobby in there, but this tip works on two different levels. A) It makes you intriguing and he will be thinking about you and what you are going to tell him, thus keeping him at the forefront of your mind and B) Saving up important conversation points for the date, thus leading to....

3) Think of 10 questions that you can ask your beau during the evening to spur the conversation on. Sometimes on a first date the conversation can flow and it will get to 1am and you will wonder where the time/your knickers have gone. Other times, there can be a perfectly enjoyable evening with a lovely man, but those awkward moments where you are very aware that one of you needs to think of something to talk about QUICKLY!

So, have in your head some questions that relate to him in some way another. Think of what you DO know about him Work, job, hobbies, friends in common etc and save them up for any potentially dry moments in the evening. Dry is NOT what we are aiming for here people. Try and avoid any of the usual "What is your favorite band/movie/ice-cream" and go for something that will spark off a story. If you are on a date with a man and he finds that at the end of the evening he has talked about himself for the whole night, I guarantee you that he will want that second date and come away thinking he had a brilliant evening...

Next.... The hours BEFORE the date.

A Gaymosexual's Guide to Dating. Lesson 1

2006-08-25T00:35:00.001+01:00

I suppose I have known you all long enough now to trust you with a few secrets of mine. A word of advice or a piece of helpful encouragement to all you guys and gals out there that want help and, naturally, come to me to get it. It's ok, don't be shy, we can treat this as a learning experience. You scratch my back and I will, well, do pretty much anything you want for a bag or marbles and a slice of cheese on toast.

I have decided to start a series of advice posts in this blog to share with you all my particular area of expertise....Dating. I consider myself something of an expert at dating, its something, like abusing prescription medication, that I have done enough of to have developed a certain knack for. I think it is only fair that I share this knowledge with YOU my pretties. Please use it well...

A Gaymosexual's Guide to Dating. Lesson 1

Ok, the first piece of advice I am going to share with you is something useful in the pick-up stage. That first meeting in a bar, theatre or park late at night that can signify the beginning of a beautiful relationship. It's a technique that has served me well over the past *mumble* years and one I now bequeath to you. It is called the 3 look rule and it goes something like this...

Stage 1.

Stage one of the 3 look rule is the easiest to implement and the most difficult to follow through on. It simply involves the making of eye contact with a chosen hunk and holding it for approximately 3 seconds. If the eye contact is reciprocated proceed to stage 2 and if not repeat stage 1 with another hunk of choice. It is important to remember not to make any kind of facial expression during stage one, other than the locking of eyes.

Stage 2.

After successful completion of stage one a short break must be undertaken of no less than 10 seconds and no more than 3 minutes for maximum effect. Consider your movements and body posture carefully during this break, if you are drinking an embarrassing alcopop, slide it surreptitiously across the table so that it appears that someone else is drinking it. Suck in your gut and casually arrange your hair/clothes to maximize your attractiveness. When ready re-establish eye contact with Mr Gorgeous and hold for approximately 5-10 seconds. During stage 2 you may allow a faint smile to appear round your mouth and a slight raising of one eyebrow is also permitted, but PLEASE make sure that both of these movements are very subtle indeed. Once this task is complete proceed to stage 3.

Stage 3.

This is the most important and delicate phase of the whole operation and must only be undertaken when you are satisfied that the first two stages are complete and the object of your affection is suitably intrigued. It is important that you are looking up at your subject, so unless you have hobbit heritage like myself it may be best to be seated during this exercise. If the subject of your lust is a midget or in a wheelchair then I would advise squatting casually by a wall as if rummaging though a bag. After a break of at least 1 minute and no more than 5 you must again make eye contact with your victim, remember you MUST be looking slightly UP at him for this to be failsafe. This time you must maintain eye-contact for as long as you see fit but just before you break away I want you to smile shyly at your future husband, briefly look down and quickly regain contact. Brighten that smile and look away again.

This is all you need to do now and I will guarantee that you have hooked your man. Do not make eye contact again with him until HE approaches you, which he now has no choice but to do. If you have followed all these procedures correctly and he has not come over you are permitted to go to the bar/toilet/bush and ever so gently brush past him, but this is generally unnecessary.

Good luck my lovelies and part 2 will come soon where I will impart some handy hints as to how to behave when you are actually ON a date, so that man just can't get enough of you. .

2006-08-13T14:26:00.000+01:00

Taken from B3ta and originally posted by Admiral Drew Peacock

2006-08-12T15:07:00.000+01:00

I swear tonsillitis not only makes one feel absolutely horrible, but it prevents me from doing several of my favorite things as well. Namely: eating, talking and kissing boys. (the obvious sex life implications glossed over for I am still a gentleman who insists on tongue to tongue before tongue to anywhere else). Anyway, yes. I am feeling utterly sorry for myself in a way that only the homosexual male can do. Thank the gods that tonsils are not required to type and I can still seek sympathy lamely on the interweb.

It is a good job I am not back in work until Tuesday, this gives me plenty of time to recover, but on the other hand, I can't really go out either. I AM SO BORED! It didn't help that the bin men woke me up this morning by being particularly loud. Usually I am not one to complain when a bunch of burly men clamor outside my bedroom window, in fact it is positively welcome under normal circumstances. SO, maybe expect more regular updates of a particularly self pitying Bent over the next few days. I know you will all love that.

Oh, and before any smart alecs out there get any ideas. It is definitely tonsillitis and not bruising, if only I were so lucky. Although the still unhealed carpet burns on my knees are another matter entirely...

2006-08-09T00:44:00.000+01:00

I had lunch this evening with a millionaire porn baron. No, really I did. He's a good friend of mine who has recently given up the reigns of his porn empire to focus his attentions on more pressing matters such as masturbation and sleeping until noon. Bastard. I am sure if I ran such an empire I would be bounding into work with more energy than Gary Glitter at a cub scout camp. But I suppose even the greater things in life loose their charms after repeat exposure. One only has to think of 'Friends', 'Desperate Housewives' and S Club 7 to remember how something shiny and wonderful soon turns into something faded, dull and so annoying that you have to lock it in the attic (But you still can't quite bring yourself to throw away).

It always motivates me when I am surrounded by rich, successful, good-looking people. I always find myself either reaching for the knife, or reaching towards my diary in a vein hope of filling my life more usefully. I know that most of you consider boys, glamour and the attention of celebrities a worthwhile pursuit, but I can't help feeling that there is something more to it all. That there is something I can give back...

So, I have been working on a top secret project that you will hear about very soon.....

2006-08-06T21:58:00.000+01:00

We have Thing 1 and Thing 2's mother here for a few days, always lovely to see her as I get treated as the sons he never had, she even brings us pink iced buns, a sure fire way to get in my good books. Anyway, as Thing 1 is in Canada at the Gay Games with her girlfriend I took the opportunity to find out as many embarrassing stories about Thing 2 as possible.

Completely in keeping with her character I found out that her first word was 'Bugger'. Still a favorite of hers today. It is interesting to find out what people's first word was and to note whether it bore any relation to their characters in later life. Mine was either 'flower' or 'banana' so either gay or food obsessed would work perfectly for me. Another friend of mine's first word was 'car' and they are now a taxi driver. What was your first word and did it bear any relation to who you are now? Obviously we can discount mum or dad unless you have turned out to have particularly incestuous tendencies, in which case it could be a funny story. For us anyway...

2006-08-01T03:07:00.000+01:00

I implore you all to go to iTunes or your nearest music store and purchase a copy of Betcha Bottom Dollar by the Puppini Sisters. They are the fabulous act that I saw at Duckie the other week and are well worth a listen to. Campy, quirky and clever they are a modern swing group consisting of 3 gorgeous girls and a hunk-filled band. As well as classic swing tunes such as Mr Sandman and Jeepers Creepers, they also do perfectly harmonised versions of camp modern classics such as I Will Survive, Heart of Glass and Wuthering Heights and a sublime version of Panic by the Smiths....

It's all well worth a listen to. Go on, feel smug and discover them before they hit the big time!

2006-07-28T01:12:00.000+01:00

BAH! That's what I have to say on the matter! BAH! I am in a complete mada because my lovely plans for the weekend have been utterly ruined. I had a lovely 4 day weekend off though a judicious use of holiday and day-off swapping and was planning on spending some quality time catching up with the sexy Doctor who has now moved to London. However, work cancelled my holiday as there is not enough staff in to cover the Saturday, SO unless I can blackmail one of my colleagues into working an extra shift I have to forgo that pre-planned pleasure and face a hoard of moaning old biddies wanting their theatre fix for the day.

I think I may have to go watch Barbarella just to cheer myself up. I suppose I can get my check-up on Sunday.......sigh....

2006-07-25T23:34:00.000+01:00

Wow, sorry for the lack of updates people. It's been pretty manic for me in the last few weeks. Not only has work gone Margot Kidder crazy with a new computer system that nobody knows how to work, but I have been going to more clubs and pubs than a newly released Big Brother contestant!

That is NO excuse I know, BAD gay, bad BAD gay!

But seriously, what else is one to do when Big Brother turns to shit and the weather is too beautiful to stay inside looking at shirtless men on the interweb? Thankfully, a small solution presented itself to me yesterday in the form of the return of Britain's Next Top Model on that channel aimed at Gay Men and Bored Housewives Living TV! It's a guilty pleasure watching 13 beautiful women reduced to tears by a panel of botoxed Z-list celebrities and evoked a secret desire in me to show them just how to pose and walk down that catwalk even though the last time I wondered down one it was aged 7, dressed as a woman for a charity evening arranged by my scout master. Yes, it worries me too looking back on it.

So how the hell are you all? Gossip please...

2006-07-12T00:47:00.000+01:00

Some of you may remember a while back I spoke of 'Beta testing' new men. Well, now the theory has evolved into something I like to call 'Quantum Dating'. You see it's all about the possibilities....

Basically you date as many people as possible and see if something sticks. Also, because you are dealing with idea's like Quantum Theory and Schrodinger's Cat, you date all these people so can have tremendous amounts of fun, but you are also NOT dating them so there is no need to worry about commitment until that Quantum possibility asserts itself.

GENIUS, hand me my Nobel Prize now, I have cleared a space amongst my Buffy DVD's, I have hired a Tux (which I look FABULOUS in) and have an acceptance speech prepared!

2006-07-05T01:40:00.000+01:00

I am sorry there are no photo's from the end of my Birthday week, but I think I was maybe too drunk to remember the camera, let alone use it!

Friday was the big gay party. Lots of fun although I ended up outside for most of the night chatting to a sexy boy who looked like Jack from Lost! Both The Pirate King and Glitter for Brains were there and had my hormones positively raging, proving that one can be 30 and still be as horny as a teenager. DAMN those boys are hot, I insist you check them out immediately.

Saturday, I am afraid I let you all down horribly and took a day off, sorely needed I tell you. Sunday was the barbecue and in the absence of a straight man I was forced to take charge and do it all myself. I am sure there is some primal instinct that kicks in for us boys when fire is involved. I lovingly tended the flames and then started slapping the meat about before offering it to my guests. So, no change there then!

Now, sadly I am back at work and attempting my 'new, healthy Clint'. The not smoking lasted all of 2 days, but I intend to try again very soon, once work is a tad less stressful. At least since May I am down from 25 a day to around 10. Surely the eating well and exercising count for something though? Moral support here guys?? I mean good health is just the slowest possible way of dying and if you lived a completely healthy lifestyle you are going to feel pretty stupid lying in your hospital bed being treated for nothing...

NO! I mustn't think like that. I shall carry on with the rowing machine and the fresh veg/healthy food and attempt the smoking cessation again soon. I think I was a little stupid trying to do it all at once.

2006-06-29T16:46:00.000+01:00

Carrying on the details of my Birthday week (HA the Queen only gets 2 Birthdays, I get a whole week!) Monday was coffee and cake on the south bank with work people, and Tuesday was a meal at Cafe Gallipole Again on Upper Ground, Islington. Cafe Gallipole Again is a WONDERFUL Turkish restaurant, recommended to my by Dame Aleasha Swiffer. The Dame herself came along, as well as Ruthless, Lisa and Paul, Emma the Beast, J and Robin and his new girlfriend who's name I couldn't be bothered to learn... I know that's awful of me, but I just can't bring myself to care. I am positive he just brought her along to try and spite Lisa who is now happy with Paul since Robin dumped her 2 years ago. Ah well, the meal was great and the company sublime. I even had the cute waiter slip his arm around me to wish me happy birthday!

Dame Aleasha Swiffer and Ruthless in her Dorothy Gale dress..

Wednesday was my surprise from Thing 2, the younger of my sibling housemates. I had NO idea what she had planned for me, thinking something along the lines of street theatre or paintball. I met her at 6pm at Eros in Picadilly Circus where she led me to a small street off Regent St to a place called The Absolut Ice Bar! She paid our entry (Â£12 each but including a free drink) and we were given hooded ponchos and led into the bar itself....

As you can see the place is absolutely unreal, everything is carved from ice, the walls, the bar, the tables and even the glasses you drink from.

Here is Thing 2 peering through the ice portal carved into one of the booths, nicely modeling her silver poncho. The place was absolutely freezing and a welcome respite from the heat outside, although I can't see people staying down there for too long. It is somewhere ideal to take someone out on an unusual date, kick starting the evening before you go for a meal...

There is even a small ice-cubby where one can stand and look distorted, this is also how I saw the world after my 'several shot' cinnamon vodka I was given upon entry. We stayed for around half and hour and then headed to Ed's Diner for Burger, fries and malted chocolate shake before we rolled home for the evening.

That's it for now guys, I must dash and get ready for my date with the sexy magazine editor this evening. You know, wash my parts and iron my pants and all that. Ciao!

2006-06-27T00:41:00.000+01:00

Holy shit I am 30! How did that happen? Surprisingly the world has not ended, I can still manage an erection and I have resisted the urge to buy a porche and sleep with my secretary. Not that I have a secretary you understand, it's a figure of speech. Sigh, say goodbye to the old me...

My week long celebration has started in fine form despite the Birthday phone call from my father who mentioned that he was my age when I was born and that "You could be just like Daddy if you found yourself the right woman and settled down..." Bless him, he still thinks that 15+ years of homosexual infamy is "just a phase".

Saturday evening I visited that bastion of bourgeois bum-banditry, Duckie where I met J, Ruthless and Twisty for the kick off of my 7 days of sin. We watched a dance troupe of senior citizens perform a piece clad entirely in towels and drank and danced away in gay abandon fully fed by the vegetarian Barbecue served up by Amy Lame. I also got to meet that fine hunk of manhood The Pirate King who you may remember interviewed me not a week ago. He is even more delightful in the flesh and has very nimble fingers.

Somehow I even managed to attract the attentions of a rather cute man in a white t-short who I am going out on a date with on Thursday. Ruthless spotted him looking at me before I did and so we did a brief walkpast for a better look and both agreed that he was indeed VFH (Very Fucking Hot), Bingo Kitty indeed. I then proceeded to forget about him as I chatted to my friends and drank more sugar based alcopops that one should really consume in a lifetime (or Newcastle). Upon leaving however he rushed up and asked for my number, no kiss, no conversation beforehand but an opportunity not wasted as we have texted since then and the date arranged. SO Birthday sex may not be completely off the cards yet. Watch this space...

Sunday I took Ms Marika Martini, J, Pan the Knacker and Liana to Leeds castle for the day where we managed to get hopelessly lost in this...

No, seriously I am not kidding we were stuck in that damn thing for about half an hour. Eventually the lady standing on the hill in the centre had to direct us out and all our illusions of being the Famous Five were dashed against the rocks. So instead we forget the lashings of ginger beer and ate a fabulous feast upon a mackintosh square, more photographs can be found at my FlickR account. Do feel free to look around.

More updates later in the week, my vodka hand is getting sore...

2006-06-23T03:02:00.000+01:00

Only 2 and a bit days left until I am 30! Isn't it funny how everyone seems to ask "How are you feeling?" or "Nervous about the big day?". People seem determined to make more out of it than there is. It can't be any more traumatic than when I finally became to old for a young persons railcard can it? Surely not? Ok, where was I? Oh yes, Monday. I had a point to make I am sure of it, but what was it? Damn, I am so easily distracted.

That was it! PRESENTS. Hopefully the sympathy card will come into play here and people will buy me extra thoughtful presents in the vain hope of distracting me from impending retirement. Presents or cake. Come on, you know you want to see me happy....

"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

Mark Twain

2006-06-22T02:13:00.000+01:00

I took this photo of some beautiful flowers in our back garden....

Then I realised that was very gay. Very, VERY gay. So I tried to watch football, but Big Brother was on so I watched that instead. I LOVE Nikki. Obviously, I couldn't bear to be in the same room as her, but defended by the 'off' button on my remote I can safely watch her outbursts with glee. Surely there has never been a comic genious as wonderfully bonkers as her?!?!

2006-06-18T15:34:00.000+01:00

After his fascinating interview on his own blog The Coterie of Zombies I have in turn, been interviewed by The Pirate King ;p SO, here are his questions and my answers.....

Question 1: You're turning thirty soon. You say that this could be the motivator to get you fitter and happier, but your most recent post is a little maudlin, reflecting on your will (I am intestate, personally). My first question, then, is what are you doing now that you weren't doing at 20, and what do you hope to be doing when you hit 40?

Hmm I don't see the post as maudlin. I think I have a pretty healthy attitude to death, practical almost. For me, it's not something to look forward to, but not something to be frightened of either. Anyway, at 30 I am living in London, in an amazing house with some great friends. I am comfortable with who I am, whereas at 20 I was fairly self loathing. As a result of this I have a healthy sex life and social life I am very happy with. I am earning more money, yet paradoxically in more debt. Unfortunately I am in a better job that I enjoy less than the one I was doing at 20, but that is a situation that can be remedied once I pull my finger out of my (or someone else's) arse.

At 40, I hope to be a more motivated person. I want to have traveled more, experienced more and be more secure in my finances. I want to beat my streak of laziness out of myself, something I consider to be my greatest failing.

Question 2: Unwillingly, it sounds like, you've got a morbid fascination with death and sex. Freudian psychology would suggest that having lost early lovers or seen them end up on Crossroads (worse than death) would set you up with some strange tics around sex and attachment. Do you have anything you could illuminate on that front? Do those experiences shape your sexuality now?

I really do believe that. My fight or flight reaction when it comes to relationships is still set on flight. I find it very hard to form meaningful romantic relationships, but am also not really a one night stand kind of guy as a rule so things can indeed be difficult in this area. I suppose I fear people I love leaving me so distance myself as much as I can and generally don't get involved. Funnily enough, I am happy like this. I don't yearn for a boyfriend or to settle down, so even if it IS rooted in those experiences, it does not seem to affect me too much.

Question 3: Like me, it sounds like you can't sleep as much as you would like to. What do you find helps you to settle, other than gay cowboy movies? Why do you think you can't sleep?

My sleep problems are a side effect of my heart medication. Unfortunately the drugs I am on are the only ones that control my condition (after years of trying alternatives) so this is something I have to live with until new drugs come out. It is now such a firmly rooted part of my life that it hardly even causes me inconvenience.

My way of dealing with it is a glass of warm milk with a dash of whiskey, a cool room and a chapter of a good book. Oh, and no man in my bed to poke/prod me and steal all the covers.

Question 4: You live in Peckham, an area of London that has quite a dodgy reputation - even if you're in the posh end, is it deserved? Is it the place you'd choose to live? If so, what appeals about the area, and do you see much that re-affirms the negative stereotypes people have about the area?

No, it is absolutely not deserved. I lived in Peckham proper for 4 years and never had a problem. I felt safer walking the street there at night than almost anywhere else I have lived. There is a real sense of community where I am now, almost a village feel to the place. I shop at the local butcher, fishmonger and grocer. I know the people in the shops and stop and chat, my neighbor's are friendly and helpful and people say 'good morning' as they pass you on the street. I can't see myself moving from this area for quite some time now, I would even consider buying here if I decided to go down that route.

Question 5: Your blog moves across quite a few different subject areas - sex, movies, jokes and the like. What is it you hope people get out of reading your blog? Oh, and as a follow-up cheeky extra question, you say you're a frustrated writer - what are you doing about that, other than blogging?

Hmm, difficult question. I have 2 blogs, one a more personal one and this one. I guess I intended this blog to be a bit more entertaining than my day-to-day one. Slightly wittier and written in style more for other people than for me. The honest answer is that this blog is written for attention and it is still in its early days of experimenting styles to find out how I can entertain better and gain more attention.

Is that not the reason most blogs, whatever the subject or style, are created for? Sure, it can be cathartic, it can be therapeutic, it can be a way of making your opinions matter. But at the end of the day, we all want to be liked. Or at lest to be noticed....

As for your cheeky question, I am working on a book at the moment and am also toying with an idea for a play. I have had 2 plays staged so far, both to reasonable success, but the book is where my passions lie at the moment and these things take a lot of time and research to do justice to, so people won't hear much of it on here unless it gets published. Then, of course, I shall brag about it until I am blue in the face ;P

2006-06-13T02:32:00.000+01:00

I sorted out my will today. Funny thing for a 29yr old in relative good health to do I know, but still, it had to be done. I have an odd relationship with death, it is something I don't fear at all and in my typical Northern way am actually very practical about the whole thing. My parents and I sat down a few years ago and all talked about funeral arrangements, each stipulating what we want done. I even went so far as to find a place near Ripon that I want to be buried in, a nature reserve in fact.

One of the things that has led me to this, apart from my heart condition, is the fact that I have faced so much death already in my life that it holds few mysteries for me now. All 4 grandparents, my beloved dog, my first girlfriend and my first male love too. In fact, my first forays into romance all ended in tragedy of one sort or another. I shall endeavor to write about them briefly here with one stipulation. Don't be afraid to laugh, tragic as they were, they are still fucking bizarre....

1) My first girlfriend Sarah. She was 10, I was 11 and we were 'in love' Her mum introduced me to Bombay Mix and I still can't face Neapolitan Ice-Cream, after vomiting it up in her back garden one sunny day. She went on holiday with her parents and died of heart failure from a defect that until then had gone unnoticed. Even more tragically, this was whilst walking atop some cliffs and she fell over 100ft. Her parents then went on to become the first in the North East to adopt a Romanian baby.

2) My first male love Robert. I doubt he was gay to be honest, but we used to fumble with each other in French class. SUCH a brilliant guy, fun, clever and sporty with a real mischievous edge to him. Things had got to a head and I was invited round his house to play computer games (which I HOPED was a euphemism, even though I didn't know what the word meant at the time). I never got to go round his house as during a game of Golf with my Best friend/enemy at the time Matthew, he was struck on the head with a golf ball and killed.

3) My first long term Girlfriend C. Eventually also turned out gay, then straight again and now bisexual. We never really did anything and I think she secretly knew I was gay. It had to end when she told me she was possessed by the spirit of Janis Joplin and 'Janis' told me that C would kill herself if I didn't stay with her forever. Had SERIOUS issues, but is now sane, sorted and has a lovely daughter.

4) My first penetrative sex experience. S. Drunken flirting with an actor that eventually went on to star in the remake of Dire soap opera 'Crossroads' We were interrupted by his mate S who was jealous of the attention I was giving young actor and proceeded to fling himself at me. Some drunken fumbling led to me fucking him on my mates be. Afterwards he proceeded to run to the kitchen, grab a knife and try to slit his wrists.

SO, you see, not the nest start to a young mans sex life. For YEARS I was convinced I was cursed and refused to sleep with or get close to anyone. But my love of cock helped me get over that and I have realised that there cannot be any curse, or half of london's gay scene would be dead now.

2006-06-08T01:33:00.000+01:00

Now, growing up and aging physically can be traumatic for the best of us. As I struggle through the final few weeks of my twenties I think back over some of the more traumatic life changes I went through to get here. Puberty, Coming out, moving to London, Steps splitting up, all painful and yet necessary steps towards becoming an adult.

Now, all of you, my darling readers will go through similar changes, so I scoured the web for you and came up with this work safe, but sometimes disturbing video to help you through those changes....

Click here

I know what I prefer to use MY opening between my legs for.

2006-06-02T00:41:00.000+01:00

Well I must say I feel rather smug about myself today. I negated the sins of watching big brother by watching it from the comfort of 'Thing One's' new rowing machine. You can always count on a lady gardener to have the latest in sporting equipment lying around the house for a fattening fag to purloin on occasion. See, it's not all putting up shelves, making ice-cram and owning cats with our lesbionic sisters. No sir! I swear I can feel that six pack inside me screaming for release (It's saying "Let me OUT man, I haven't seen daylight in nigh on twenty years")

This is all part of my "Turning 30 in 24 days plan" and where I write plan, you should read "Nervous Breakdown". After yon birthday the cigarettes are gone, the diet is started and swimming and Yoga will be added to the rowing machine in my exercise repertoire. You see, I figure if I fill my life with these things, I can look other gays in the eye, clasp their arms heartily and say "Yes, brother. NOW I know what you go through, let us be carnal together"

No, seriously these are things I have wanted to do for a while with only half hearted attempts. These are things I SHOULD do and turning 30 can be the spur I need to do it and therefore turn aging into a positive process.

Needless to say, the week of my birthday I am going to drink, smoke and shag like a trooper and eat my bodyweight in cheese and chocolate spread. Ah my friends, I will miss you...

2006-05-29T02:12:00.000+01:00

Ah, sleep it is a wonderful and yet strange thing. But in my case it is elusive. My insomnia had kicked into overdrive this week and no amount of dreams about the changing rooms for the England squad will entice my subconscious into letting me pass out.

Of course all my good intentions of using any time I have awake to do household chores to lull me into unconsciousness has failed and instead I lie there and think of Dominic Monaghan stranded on a desert island with only my good self for company....

Tonight I plan on finally watching Brokeback Mountain (I know, I know BAD GAY for not seeing it before) but I actually doubt I can garner up the energy to press play on the DVD player. What I need is a good man to wear me out. Even Rohypnol would be welcome at this stage!

Aside from the lack of sleep, this week has been rather nice. X-men 3 was entertaining and exciting in a summer blockbuster kind of way. I felt the 100 minute running time hindered rather than helped the film as they had crammed so much into it that I was left wanting more. Also, was it me or did Vinne Jones' costume rather resemble a large penis? You know, the veiny, bulky body topped off with the rather phallic helmet?

2006-05-21T13:06:00.000+01:00

As I wake up this morning in a rum soaked haze I remember something very strange and wonderful from last nights Eurovision.

When called upon for his scores the male judge from The Netherlands flirted with the Male TV presenter and asked if he wanted his number now or later. The Show's presenter replied "Later will do, but I bet it is 69 69 69"

How camp is that. Full on gay flirting in front of an audience of millions. HILAR.

2006-05-21T01:59:00.000+01:00

Eurovision, as ever was Marvelous. My good friend Aleasha held a wigtastic evening complete with more home made food and cake than anyone could possibly ask for. I was disappointed that Germany's fabulous country and western number didn't rank higher than it did....

Or the utterly camp Sibel from Turkey with her Kylie cast-off 'Superstar' complete with pretty British male dancers as back up....

As you can see from the pictures below, Aleasha has a wig fetish that even the delectable Lee would have trouble competing with and of course they were worn all evening. Sadly, I never managed to get any photos of myself in one, but one may appear at some time or other from a friends camera in the meantime meet some friends of mine...

The BEAUTIFUL and talented MS Marika Martini

Our beneficial hostess and entertainer Dame Aleasha Swiffer.

I have had more rum punch than is seemly. In fact you can tell I had had too much when I began desperately sucking at the watermelon in the punch bowl in the hope that it had absorbed more alcohol. Not my most dignified hour, but I did take a cab ride home with someone who has the Prime-Ministers telephone number in their mobile and managed to refrain from 'borrowing' it to leave him dirty voicemails......

Tomorrow is set aside for a nice relaxed Sunday lunch with my ex-housemate the Princess. I do hope wigs are involved again.

2006-05-19T21:24:00.000+01:00

Sorry for the lack of updates folks, but this past week my life has been as dull as a Big
Brother contestants post show career.


I know, I know, I promised myself that this year I wouldn't watch it but House
was being recorded and ERwas not on until late that evening so what was
a boy to do??

Well what this boy did was hide his eyes behind his hands at the appalling
sub-species of humanity that they managed to dredge up for this years show.
Again, the public perception of homosexuality has been knocked back 20
years by the two (so-far) stereotypes vomited up on our screen.   I really find
the groups incredibly unlikable so far with the possible exception of Lisa who
just seems mad but sweet.

I know it is way too early to tell for sure and that they were all trying to put on
a show for their first night.   But seriously.   They are all so crazy and eccentric
its difficult to watch.  I get enough of that at work and home!

George and Mikey are ok though, if you removed their ability to think or speak.

2006-05-14T17:52:00.000+01:00

Oh blogosphere beware. Whilst home, I got my Birthday present early and it is my very first DIGITAL CAMERA!

No hot boy on the street/tube/bed is safe now and expect plenty of narcissistic shots of myself wearing various funny wigs/hats/cocktails.

One worrying trend to come out of my trip home seems to be a new penchant for wearing shirts? Is this the bloody age thing creeping up on me again or is it just because short sleeved shirts are cool in summer? hmmm

2006-05-13T01:14:00.000+01:00

Well dear, dear people. I survived my trip to Middlesbrough and am back with my dignity and my virginity intact. My goddaughter is going to grow up to be a heartbreaker indeed and coupled with her mischievous but lovable nature, I can see why they chose me to be her, ahem, spiritual advisor.

Now, things move back into their normal routine. I shall be seeing x-men 3:Hugh Jackman's Pants next week followed, on Saturday, by the Gay Event of the year. Yes, the Eurovision Song Contest is upon us again. Although, frankly I can't see what the rest of Europe gets out of it as they don't have Terry Wogan's wonderfully sarcastic commentary to listen too. Come on people it cant all be about the frocks and dance routines you know, no matter what the gay handbook says. There has to be at least some bitching involved...

2006-05-05T13:36:00.000+01:00

Well seeing as I have to leave you dear, dear people I thought I would leave you with a few things to entertain yourself with while I am away. SO I scoured the internet (Don't worry, I had my marigolds on) and found these two wonderful games to keep you occupied.

Firstly we have Asphyxiate David Blaine , where you get to make the twat in the bubble do nasty things to his smug self.

And secondly, for all you pop culture vultures and celebrity aficionados out there we have a game where you have to guess the celebrity from the trash in their bins IN Celebrite Poubelle Magnifique

Think of me whilst I am in the cultural wasteland that is the North East of England. I don't think they have internet connection in Middlesbrough, but if I manage to get online I may try and post a cry for help.... Adieu

2006-05-04T15:16:00.000+01:00

AH, the summer sun. A time for boys to go shirtless and drip ice-cream down their naked, muscled torso’s and for gays and girls to find a nice bench to sit and watch them from. Sadly, I have not had time today as I had to play the good citizen and go and vote this morning for the local elections. I shuidder to think that I had to set foot in a “Community centre” to do so. I had visions of tobaccos stained old men playing dominos and wheezing and troubled teens vandelizing the building and snorting coke off of the formica counters.

Luckily it was nothing like back home in Middlesbrough and the people were all very friendly and nice. There was a little bookstall on the way in selling second-hand paperbacks for 20p each. I had an attack of middle-class guilt though and paid £2 for one instead. See, I think I earn extra karma points today.

I have to dash across the river at lunchtime today to purchase a new shirt and some shoes for the christening. 2 things I absolutely loathe shopping for, I may have to have a G&T to perk me up after before I head back to work.

Wish me luck…

2006-05-04T01:03:00.000+01:00

I was trying to be all arty with my friend Jason in the Cemetary behind my house. I rather like this picture, I think it perfectly captures my innocence. AHEM...

2006-05-01T01:39:00.000+01:00

Well what another terminally dull bank holiday weekend. Dr Dick is away again so no entertainment on that front, all my housemates have mysteriously vanished and the incessant rain is preventing me from going out unless my hair turns into a Jewfro again.

In a vain attempt to pamper myself to make me feel better I had a nice relaxing bubble bath. Relaxing in the sense that there were so many bubbles I could hide the unsightly form of my naked body under them and relax by banishing all thought of the gym or exercise out of my mind.

This weekend I have to perfect my disguise for an undercover mission I have been asked to undertake. A suit will be pressed, new shiny shoes bought and a respectable haircut and shave makeover put in place. No, I am not taking over from Daniel Craig as the new James Bond, but I will be venturing into a church for the first time in 20 years to become godfather (for the second time) to my friends new baby daughter Freya.

All I have to do it renounce the Devil (It's ok, we fell out years ago when he never returned my copy of Priscilla Queen of the Desert). The father says that is ok to mutter etc... under my breath when asked to teach the baby about Jesus too. Now all I have to do is hope that I haven't slept with the priest!

2006-04-30T02:21:00.000+01:00

Ugh, work has been perfectly vile this past week, almost non-stop busy and the creme de la creme of London's snotty upper classes on their absolute worst behavior. Sometimes I wonder how I cope without drugs until I am gently reminded that chocolate is addictive.

Anyway, to cope with all the stress, a sizeable portion of the office homosexuals decided to go for a debauched night out in old London town. Unfortunately by the time I had finished my late shift, they rest were as drunk as a straight man at a Chelsea game and had decamped to the sleaziest bar I can possibly think of, but alas I had promised to go and I couldn't possibly go back on my word.

All manner of debauched things happened, precluded by the twinky young actor we had dragged along leaving in fear of his life after being engaged in conversation by several sleazy guys who I would imagine only barely classify as human in any biology textbook. Somehow I did manage to find one attractive man in there and had a bit of a flirt, but when he told me his name was Milan I just couldn't take him seriously OR home.

What WOULD the neighbors say?

2006-04-28T02:35:00.000+01:00

What is one to do when one finds out that the heart stoppingly attractive actor that one has had a crush on for the past day and a half is not only straight but has a girlfriend?

Yes, that is correct. You sit down with a spoon and a large jar of nutella chocolate spread and fatten your way to happiness again.

2006-04-26T21:37:00.000+01:00

I had an awful nightmare last night. Something so utterly terrifying that when I woke up my heart was racing and I was repelled by what my subconscious had dredged up. No, it was NOT a threesome with Cruise and Snooze, but a frightfully realistic dream in which I had been entered to take part in the London Marathon.

Now, as anyone who knows me is aware, the very idea of running anywhere at all is complete anathema to me. I don't even run for the bus or train, after all, that
is what an iPod was invented for surely? Filling those gaps waiting for people/things.

I won't even run after pretty boys, any energy relating to attractive people should, in my opinion, be saved for the bedroom. I didn't spend 5 years in charm school and 4 working with wild Canadian trappers and hunters just to CHASE men. No, I want to sit back with a whisky and ginger and wait for them to come to me!

Anyway, luckily despite the disturbing start, my subconscious obviously decided to spare me too much misery and after beginning the race I soon veered off with a jogger in obscenely short shorts and went for a meal in a cozy little restaurant hidden down a back alley. We then rejoined the race about 10 minutes before the finish line and no-one was any the wiser that we had cheated (At the race AND on his boyfriend).

So, all's well that ends well...

2006-04-24T18:39:00.000+01:00

I need a strong alcoholic drink, some chamomile tea with a Valerian root chaser and a relaxing massage from a hot Swedish hunk. Yes, you guessed it, my mother has finally returned home. As always it was lovely spending some quality time with the old maternal menace, but by all the gay gods it's good to have the house back to myself.

I imagine having your mother down for the weekend is rather like having a new maid start (I can only imagine) You tidy up before hand so things do not looks so bad, but somehow they manage to find things that need decontaminating anyway. No matter how hard you try to distract them, they always seem to veer towards that drawer in your room that 'rattles and clanks' and must not be opened by ANYONE except yourself or some guy you are dating that sex has become a little stale with and finally everything needs to be nailed down before it disappears into their handbags!

Hmm you guys must remind me to tell you the story behind the drawer that rattles and clanks sometime. It involves a primary school teacher with an unfeasible large penis!

Aaaaaaand with that, all thoughts of my mothers visit have cleared from my head. Now, do I still have his number I wonder?

2006-04-21T00:53:00.000+01:00

My lovely mother has decided to grace me with her presence this weekend so updates may not be forthcoming until Monday where you can expect a stream of relief flowing from me to my keyboard and through to you guys!

I know that on Saturday she intends to shop for me. This is lovely and I always like getting new things, especially when someone else pays for them. But what it inevitably consists of is me spotting something I LOVE in the first shop we go into and Mother then dragging me into 20 other shops, just in case we find something else. I also have to try every single thing on, even if I know I don't like it "Just in case, just so I can see what it looks like"

The funny thing is, when she buys for herself, she just grabs it off the rail and heads straight to the checkout!

No, I love her to bits, but for some reason it is always stressful when a parent comes to visit. Not only does Gaymosexual Towers have to be tidy, it has to be 'Mother Tidy' a state which far exceeds any other mortals expectations of cleanliness, even that required in a hospital theatre!

Wish me luck people.....and lets hope that I come out of this with as few emotional scars and as many new clothes as possible!

2006-04-20T00:58:00.000+01:00

I have decided I have had enough of dating now. That's it. No more, ever! Instead I shall embrace my new web-geek, blog savvy tendencies and from henceforth when I meet a new guy and see him more than once it shall be known as "BETA testing a new boyfriend"

Yes! It is perfect for me. If things go wrong and I screw up, it doesn't matter, it's in beta. If I find someone I like more, its upgrading to a better server. When I zone out and stop listening to him blather on about American idol, I am just activating the spam filter. Oh, and when he proves to be atrocious in bed and I throw him out at 3am I am simply performing a system purge.

Sometimes I love technology, it helps me justify my "Flight or flight faster" syndrome when it comes to relationships.

2006-04-20T00:34:00.000+01:00

Well, it appears that Cruise and Snooze have finally managed to drop their sprog at last, how long has she been pregnant for? It seems like several years to me....

I feel for the child really, not only does it have put up with two terminally dull lunatics as parents, but it is some kind of weird catholic/scientologist halfbreed? I mean how much more screwed up can the poor tyke get? Not only does it have to contend with 'Catholic Guilt' but now it has to be brought up thinking it is a remnant of a million year old soul that was blown up in a volcano by a nuke by space aliens. Ah well, at least it will be pretty.

2006-04-19T01:20:00.000+01:00

Oops, I forgot to do a proper Easter Post, so in common with many of the blogs I read over the weekend, with pithy Christian images of an empty cave on them, I decided to appropriate the most common phrase and turn it into something more suitable for this blog...

HE IS RISEN!

2006-04-16T03:06:00.000+01:00

How IS a boy to spend a lonely bank holiday weekend when his current source of fun is in a completely different country? Go clubbing with his friends? Shop until his credit card screams to stop? Take a fabulous mini-break somewhere exotic and warm? OR stay home with a big bag of pringles and watch the new Dr Who on tv.

Yes, you guessed it, the latter option was the one I went with. Well really, I know Dr Who is the new national gay pastime, but who can resist the charms of that sexy devil David Ten-Inch and ex pop nymphet Billie Piper? Not me, that's for sure.

I was planning on spending time with Housemate no 1 for her amazing lesbionic birthday, but she decided to stay at her girlfriends instead whilst housemate 2 dutifully visited their mother and housemate 3 was working and then drinking with the indie gays in New SoHo (Vauxhall). I felt a little like Scarlett O'Hara rattling round Gaymosexual Towers all on my own, that was until next doors cat came in for some company like she often does, only to be followed by their other cat, a small black timid thing we call Gobelina. Suddenly I flash forward 20 years and I am sat in a small house with an immaculate garden and stacks of books holding everything up. Yes, I am destined to be that mythic Crazy Cat Lady. Only male. I must take steps to prevent this straight away, right after Alias.............

2006-04-10T17:48:00.000+01:00

Well, it's my mothers birthday today and she has been out for a glass of wine and some food with her cronies at lunchtime. Inevitably this meant that every time I tried to call her when she got back, she was on the phone to said cronies dissecting every word of their conversations from said lunch not half an hour past.

Of course, when I finally did get through she took great joy in reading out all the cards that she had received and then told me that the card I got her was not flowery enough and it could have done with a nice poem in it. It seems her usual OGOWD (ONE glass of wine dear) only emphasizes her innate loving advice tendencies.

She recently had a hip replaced and had to leave her last job as it involved lifting and carrying old people (She was a home help, not a body snatcher) and was retired due to disability. Only now, because the hip has healed enough to allow movement that has all been stopped and she has been told to return to work in some for or another for the one year before she officially retires. Naturally she cannot return to the job she has done for the last 15 years, so she has set her heart on working for Marks and Spencers, the promised land for all ladies of a certain age.

I wish her well indeed and hope for a discount on my weekly shopping!

2006-04-09T21:34:00.000+01:00

Isn't it wonderful to do absolutely nothing at all? Somehow I have managed to blag 5 weekends off in a row and plan to do as little as possible in that time. Oh, life on the pulse can be SO demanding.

Hot Irish Doctor is off back to Ireland next weekend, so I wont get to see him again for even longer than planned... Ah well, ces't la vie. I shall have to find someone else to entertain me in the meantime. Do you think Freddie Ljungberg has a game this weekend?

At least the new Dr Who starts on Saturday so at least I get to perv over the delightful David Tennant again, someone I am reliably informed has been nicknamed "David Ten-Inch" for obscure reasons.

Excuse me, I need to go for a cold shower now....

2006-04-04T00:37:00.000+01:00

Hmmm boys are like crabs, you find one lurking in the pubic region of your social life and suddenly there are hundreds of the blighters all wanting to bite and suck you. It really is a hardship I tell you.

Currently my list of interested parties includes The Doctor (no 1 of course, but with the sad side effect of living 100 miles away and working 70 hrs a week), The Actor, 2 Students (scruffy, cute, over eager but OH so enthusiastic in the sack) and the attractive couple in their 30's that like to play together (not my scene really, I like to try and hang on to at least a little class)

Now, don't get me wrong I AM boasting about this, but only because I have been going through such a dry patch this past year and I REFUSE to believe it has anything to do with me not leaving the house and just playing on my xbox 360 for 12 months. I know I am aging well, rather like 80's music, but I do seem to get more interest the older I get. Is this a trend that others find too? Is it just that I am getting more comfortable in my skin and other people can sense this?

2006-03-31T22:20:00.000+01:00

Things to cross off my 'Things to do before I die list"

429) Have sex with an incredibly hot actor in his dressing room at the theatre he is performing at.

2006-03-28T19:59:00.000+01:00

Well, the date with the doctor went rather well as you may be able to tell from the lack of updates for several days. I am rarely a 'take em home on a first date' kind of gal, but we sparked so well we practically set the Sushi Bar on fire, so it had to be done.

I got my wishes from the last post and thanks to the combination of the clocks and the cocks going forward I only managed about 4 hours sleep......

So far he has ticked all the boxes well enough, now all I have to do is reign in my flight or flight impulse and give it a chance to progress a little. It may not, but usually I am out of that door before the wet patch has dried so I will see how this goes.

2006-03-24T14:59:00.000Z

I have a date tomorrow with a handsome young doctor who will be taking me out for Sushi. How cosmopolitan is that. Naturally I assume he is rich and well hung, maybe I have watched too much ER and Sex and the City. My friend Lee thinks that I am just shallow. I disagree personally, we all have a shallow and a deep end, is it my fault that I am just not that great a swimmer?

No, he seems like a lovely young man and is a gay geek too, which is always a bonus. The only trouble is I asked him what he did at work yesterday and he answered "stuck needles in people's eyes"

It's a good job I have a strong constitution!

2006-03-23T01:02:00.000Z

Oh what a terrible feeling it is not being ultra rich. At work today I was so utterly bored I accidentally went on Amazon and bought myself an x-box 360 and a TV as well as a pre-ordered copy of the new Tomb Raider game. Well let's face it, if I can't actually bask in the divine presence of Ms Jolie, I may as well play with the pixellated form that the represented on the silver screen.

I just wish someone told Lara that green shorts are SO last season.

Now all I need to do it put my wallet into counseling to help it recover from the shock. Poor thing, ah well I do need to get used to spending on impulse for when the millions start rolling in.

2006-03-20T02:04:00.000Z

Am I really starting to worry about turning 30 soon? I was wondering how much I can rely on my fabulous genetic background to keep me looking youthful and mischievous . Is my daily bath in the blood of 20 virgins no longer enough to keep the wrinkles at bay? (It's brilliant by the way, one of the Radox blends)

I found myself today stealing a go at my housemates thickening shampoo for some reason. Curiosity I suppose seeing as my hair is naturally thick and curly and almost impossible to do anything with. I don't know whether it is because I already have a lustrous mane of locks but I somehow ended up with a mini afro. It was SO not a good look I promise you.

I even found myself doing sit-ups for the first time since my dizzying heights of fame as British Junior Judo Champion and was pleasantly surprised to find that I managed 40 in my first go. This is all a very worrying trend and I immediately had to go away and drink some gin and eat half a pack of pringles. I suppose spending the afternoon with the Divine Lee will do this to a person. HOW he maintains his fabulousness whilst munching on crisps guffawing at badly dubbed Japanese school girl superhero's one will never guess.

2006-03-18T23:31:00.000Z

It was brought to my attention today on a website that a young, gay, Iranian man is being deported back to his home country despite the fact that homosexuality is punishable by death there. Read his own story at

http://www.pglo.org/web/english/pages/044.htm

and an article about this at

http://direland.typepad.com/direland/2006/03/england_another.html

It apalls me that in this day and age the British Government can allow a young man to be sent home to certain death for something so normal.

I wrote to my MP about this (You can tell I am getting close to the big three-Oh as I am getting better and better at writing 'strongly worded letters'. If you want to do the same, please write to your MP, a great way to do so is http://www.writetothem.com

2006-03-18T23:16:00.000Z

The office bitch (surprisingly not me) was moaning about having to do early starts today, wanting extra money for getting out of bed early. He cited the example of Kate Moss who purportedly does not get out of bed for less than 10 grand a day. Now apart from this confusing me (I always thought it was 10 grammes) it made me realize how accustomed I have become to my late partying and subsequent late starts at work. If things change I may be forced to find employment elsewhere with evening work as an essential. Maybe as a high class rent Boy, greeter at a trendy nightclub or a neorosurgeon working on complicated nocturnal brain diseases.

Sadly I think the training to become the greeter would prove too difficult and what rent boy would get clients to come "South of the River". Sigh...Neurosurgeon it is then.

2006-03-17T23:24:00.000Z

Well, if this doesn't look like one of the best/worst films ever I don't know what would. It's a horror/action bonanza with it's tongue crammed firmly in it's cheek. The premise is simple.....

What would happen if a bunch of deadly snakes were to get loose and run rampage on a plane. (Yes I KNOW snakes can't run, but slither fast rampage just doesn't ring well with me)

Ladyhags and Gentlefags I bring you......

SNAKES ON A PLANE

http://www.tagworld.com/snakesonaplane

2006-03-16T23:42:00.000Z

In my ever increasing quest to be a better homosexualist I took the next step and now I fear I will never look back.

You see it all began last Friday. A parcel arrived at work containing my new shoes that I bought from eBay. Lovely shoes they were too. Lime green canvas Fred Perry ones and I loved them to bits so decided to wear them to the party I was to attend that night.

The only problem was that the Deep blue shirt I was wearing clashed HORRIBLY with said shoes so I was in a bit of a quandary as to what to do. In a fit of fashion pique I rushed out to Covent Garden at lunchtime to the Fred Perry boutique and bought myself a matching top for £45. I was terribly embarrassed at having to ask the shop assistant's advice on what would go with the shoes, so I fell back on the old "I am colour blind and can't decide for myself" routine. Well, it's partly true, I do LIVE with 2 colour blind girls (I am reliably informed that it is NOT because of inbreeding, even though they are sisters)

Now, I have always relied on my Northern Pride to prevent me from ever entering a shop that sold anything that could be considered fashionable, let alone anywhere that charged ÃÂ£45 for a T-SHIRT! But I did it anyway today and my gods I LOVE it! It is so comfortable, fits so well and looks fabulous. I made a grand entrance at the party and someone suggested that I make the "preppy look" my signature style.

Now, if I knew what that was, I would consider it.....

2006-03-16T22:46:00.000Z

Well what a patently inauspicious start to this blog. Apart from meeting Gillian Anderson at work the other week nothing at all is luring me away from my comfortable chambers in Peckham Heights. (Gillian Anderson by the way is a beautiful midget with a British accent, a friendly unassuming demeanor and far too much class for such a little person)

I Had a lovely lazy day off work today even though my lie-in was interrupted by my mother ringing to gossip about relatives. Bless her, but she had to go out to her aqua-aerobics class so I got away early. I always thought it a tremendous shame that she wasn't Jewish frankly, she would make an amazing Jewish Mother and I have already had the circumcision so there would be very little work to do. It's almost a shame that I have a full head of hair, I imagine those little skull-cap's that Jewish men wear would be amazing at hiding bald spots.

Anywho.

Must dash off to see a housemate about some washing-up.